``mY bLoG``

2011-11-26T18:19:00.000+10:00

There is a little boat

Silent above dark waters

An occasional rock

Tiny splashes, gentle ripples

But quiet still, alone

Waiting

There is a little girl

Locked up in her own shell

Dying to pry it open

Angry at the world

Screaming at the chains at her feet

Loathing

There is a little boy

Carrying a wound that is too deep

A heart torn into pieces

Arms that would never open for anyone again

Eyes remnants of smoke from a distinguished flame

Hurting

There is a little doll

Tired of putting on that smile

A dance too long for little children

A night too dark to withstand

A beating heart somewhere else in the world

Weeping

There is a little dewdrop

Singing a short-lived song before the dawn

Tracing colours on soft, crisp freshness

Weaving streaks of glory as the sun peeps

Leaving behind a bed of beauty for morning

Vanishing

I've been listening to Katy Perry's The One That Got Away. Saddest song ever. And if it were to reflect anyone's life it would only mean stupidity. Pure stupidity. But one that is very easy to come by, even to the most sane person on Earth. Because love makes people stupid. Unlike drugs when you do stupid things because you're doped, love makes you do stupid things when you're completely sober. That's the scariest part. Nope, I am not in love.

ANYWAY, peepohhhhhh? HOLIDAYS ARE HERE?!?!?!?! Finals are over, trip to Melbourne was a blast!!! (Minus the scary event that took place on the first night.) My 4 days in Melb was too chill, too relaxing, too AWESOME. Now I'm back in Brisbane, waiting to go home. Missing, missing so much. My family, friends, and the glorious foooooood. :) I can't wait!!!

People do change right? All the time? It's scary. A person can treat you so nice at first, and then turn into a devil later. A partner can tell you he loves you one day, and then sleep with someone else the next. A friend can swear to God she'll never reveal your secrets, and the next thing you know everyone knows. That's the harshness of life, right? The cruelty of being human? We succumb to all sorts of temptations. We open our arms to whatever that cares to take us in. We give in to love, to pleasure, to warmth, even to pain... just to take away any bad memories of life, just to feel wanted, to feel secure, to feel... alive.

I don't like to talk about love here, because the truth is, I know nothing about it. I don't even think I am capable of loving another person. Everything I write, I read from elsewhere, or I hear from other people. I know, you may think it's sad. But I don't really give a shit. Sometimes.

Okays, now back to reality! *Looks at her messy, shit-filled room*. Yup, I gotta clear my room, and move my stuff to my friend's place by Tuesday. OH YAY. WHAT FUN.

Smurf Village is very fun! The Christmas theme is uber adorable!!! Not sure if I look forward to the Valentine's theme though :/ Oh yes, I suck at Temple Run. Tyvm.

Nothing much to blog about now. Probably my last post in Brisbane! SEE YOU BLOG IN SG WOOHOO.

2011-10-28T19:39:00.004+10:00

HI PEEPS. I'm supposed to be studying but heck, I've got to update my blog.

Today marks the end of year 2 sem 2 (actually for me it's unofficially yesterday because I skipped uni today.) Anyhow, today is the last day of uni, but I'm not rejoicing or anything, because it means SWOT VAC is here, and finals is coming. Damn. I hate to hit the books (papers actually) but I have to. I have 6 freaking papers, all extremely hard and content-heavy, and it's true I've been slacking for 3 out of 4 months of this semester. I've got to work really really hard, squeeze out all the brain juices that's left, and be 101% focused! I've been very very distracted this year, because I'm getting older, and aside from being anti-social as one of the "symptoms", reduced attention span and ability to stay on task are additional signs as well.

You know summer is coming when the bugs start to crawl out from God knows where and infest the house. Fuck, I just whacked a spider on my leg and now I've got some spider juice on my hand. Spring is beautiful. Like all good things on this earth it is short-lived. My lovely flowers are falling to the ground. Near my house there's this pretty jacaranda tree that I witness bloom it's sweet, purple flowers but now it's slowly becoming bare. Everyday I walk pass it and I think a jacaranda must have dropped on my head already. So does this mean I'm going to fail my exams? Shit. Ok anyway, Brissy is getting so warm now!

Exams 8th-17th Nov, and after that I'll be going to Melbourne for 5 days, till 22nd Nov. Yes, Melb AGAIN. I went during the mid-sem break. Don't ask me why I'm going again, it's a long story. Actually it's not that long. My friend and I wanted to go Tasmania but she needs to be back by 22nd and I only end exams on the 17th. 17th-22nd is not enough time for Tassie so we decided on Melb instead. Yeap I've just told you the story even though you may not have requested for it. Anyway, that's the story. Melb is awesome, nearby and cheap. Just the right place to chillax after exam. WOOHOO. And then 22nd to 30th I'll stay in Brissy to chill, hang and clear my room. YES I've got to move my stuff out before I go back to Sg. I have a shitload of stuff, I'm really going to die packing and moving. I shall not think about that for now.

Clinic is 99% over. Now all that's left is printing off my report and meeting with my clinical educator one last time for the final evaluation. I sincerely hope I pass because I really think I'm a shitty clinician. My dear boy, I hope you do well in future. And I wish you and your angelic mum all the best. Seriously, mum is super nice. I don't think I'll ever meet another parent who's as nice as her.

I'm feeling empty. I had dinner, but I still feel empty. Just drained? I have to study, but I don't want to. Not now, because I feel sick from killing that spider. And even more sick when I'm sitting on a broken swivel chair. The last screw that had hung on for the past 2 months has finally given up and now my entire seat is detached. While I type this I am at risk of falling off my chair and dying from embarrassment. Because who falls off a chair while typing? It's ridiculous. But every time I sit on it I have to be extra careful and not move around too much. And yes, my toilet bowl is not working well too. Every single time I use it I have to turn on the main tap so that I can flush after that, and then after flushing I have to turn off the tap or else the water will just keep running. This is annoyance TTM. Sometimes I just don't feel like flushing. Accumulating everything and flush only at the end of the day is way easier. BUT OF COURSE I DON'T THAT because that's freaking gross. Ok enough about my toilet bowl.

I GOT AN IPHONE4. FREE. I know saying this now is not exciting at all because 4S is out, but I'm still happy! I love my Iphone. It's awesome. :D And the fact that Siri can't really catch the Singaporean accent is a consolation for me for not waiting for 4S. I don't need a personal assistant in my phone. That's actually quite eerie.

Hmmm nothing much to blog already. See you guys after I come back from Melb. (If I have anything to blog then. LOL.) ZAIJIAN. :D

PS: SG food craving is seeping into my soul and killing me from within. Not kidding.

PS(2): I can't believe I am halfway through my degree. Wtf how did this time pass?!?!

2011-10-07T17:23:00.001+10:00

HI PEEPO.

I think I better update something before I shut myself off from the rest of the world and become a hermit. Yes, this is the worst semester ever, I have 5 crazy modules all of them so difficult and content-heavy, and I have hell clinic. But I have been the slackest this sem!? In first year the modules were relatively less demanding but I studied like crazy?! Then this year things got more challenging and I slacked like a piggy?! What's wrong with me seriously!? So I have to rush like mad now. I have 101 woes on top of me now, so many things that I need to handle, so much to cram into my brain. But I still feel so lazy. I am not motivated. There is no meaning in doing all these. I am tired. At 21, I feel the frenzy of life and then I back off away from it all. All the craze, the rush, the tension, the pressure, the expectations... They rage before me but I am slowing down. I don't want to face them. Not when I feel so vulerable. Not when I haven't found anything that's worth fighting for!

I need a pillar. Something, someone, that I can hold on to. I know I sound weak like that. I don't want to be so weak. I don't want to be whiny and feel all sick about life all the time. But that's just how I am now. I need motivation. A voice to tell me it's worth charging forward, it's worth waiting, it's worth doing all that I need to do. Because ultimately at the finish line, no matter where it is, there will be things that I yearn for and hope to have. They will be there. And all will be fine.

But still, SIGH?! All my life, those things that I truly, really want, how many eventually came to me? Some things I can work hard for. Some things I get when I put in effort. But not all time? So many things are not within my control! Even working hard wouldn't yield results!

Of course, I still believe in putting in effort for things that matter to me. I couldn't survive a day if I stopped believing. I wouldn't.

OK, need to tell myself to stop procrastinating, stop slacking, stop being lazy!!! AND GO DO SOME WORK!

PS: Coming back to little island Singapore on 30th NOVEMBER. Dearies, MARK YOUR CALENDARS! :)

2011-09-16T15:50:00.003+10:00

HI PEEEEEEPOHHHHH.

Missed me?

I just had the shittiest anatomy exam yesterday. YES it's MULTIPLE CHOICE QUESTION but like one of the hardest papers I'd ever had. Notes are shit, the questions were demanding, my brain was empty, I was busy with clinic and other shit... AIYA, everything was just screwed up big time.

ANYWAY, at least it's over and now all I have on my mind is clinic and that one little kid. CLINIC WOES occupy like 95% of my brain. I don't want to bore you by telling you how I messed things up over and over again, how the little boy got so upset, and how his mum was like an angel sent down from heaven (at least to me she was). If my boy gets treated by such a lousy clinician like me, I sure scold?! And make noise?! But she was so nice to me, the boy was so nice to me, I felt so so so bad about myself. I'm like just a year 2?! Sophomore?! KNOW NOTHING MUCH YET?!?! And here I am with a real boy, with real problems. I want to do something for him, I want to make changes to his life, I want him and his family to be happy. But with my current level of expertise I can't?! So much that I don't know, can't do. So much that I'm still afraid of. It's a learning experience, I know. But I can't help feeling like shit everytime shit happens?!

So on top of clinic woes, I have housing woes, exam+assignment woes, social woes. LOLOLOL. YES I am becoming very very anti-social. The older you get, the less you socialize. (My) True story. Don't argue. I just can't be bothered to make new friends. Even if I do meet new people, I can't be bothered to deepen friendships. Yes, I will die a lonely old woman. Period.

Whateverrrrrr. Now I'm feeling so listless I'm just taking life one step at a time, not thinking about any could-haves, or what-ifs, or whatever shit. I'm here, right now, typing this chunk of I-have-no-idea-what, and I don't feel too happy. Doesn't mean I'm depressed too. Maybe just mentally tired of all that have come my way so far, the challenges, the questions, the unknowns, the guesses... As I said, I wished I were simple, I wished I could see life as something simple, I wished I didn't have any expectations so I'd be happy with whatever that comes, or whatever I have. But, no.

Doesn't matter. I am shit at clinic, that's learning. That's picking myself up failure after failure, trying again and again. I don't make new friends, but doesn't mean I don't have old ones. Those people who have been with me for 9 years, 7 years, 5 years, 3 years, 2 years... Special people I had shared a part of my heart with. Yeap, they're still here and that's all that matters. I make the wrong choices, witness the futility of my efforts, set expectations but receive disappointment in return, all of them, don't matter, because this is life, this is growing up, and I learn from every experience. And when all else has been taken away from me I still get something in return. Strength.

OKAYYY. Before the glow emanating from me gets brighter I better stop my inspirational speech. Good news everyone. It's almost mid-sem and I'm still alive. :)

So long.

2011-08-18T23:21:00.000+10:00

I am going to stay away from twitter for a little while. Trying to phrase my whole chunk of almost infinite thoughts into snippets isn't exactly a good idea. Too inaccurate, too misleading, too brief. Most importantly, it is not safe. YES, you've read it correctly. My public blog is safer than my private twitter. Why? Because I write (relatively) more explicitly here. Nope, I don't reveal everything, but I reveal most of what I think. Twitter just restricts me. I get annoyed thinking of appropriate things to tweet. I don't want people to guess what I'm actually thinking or feeling, if I'm angry with the world, in love with 5 different boys, suicidal, or whatever. Actually, I am just sick of twitter sphere. I feel better typing paragraphs. I feel like I've expressed myself enough when I translate disorganized, complicated thoughts into discrete, meaningful sentences that flow.

Sometimes I feel like a caged animal. Locked off from the rest of the world, trying to escape.
Sometimes I feel like a speck of dust. Drifting from place to place, the world always going on without me.
Sometimes I feel like child. Trying to understand, trying to fit in, trying not to make mistakes.
Sometimes I feel like a clown. Because no one can really understand what goes on behind that painted-on smile.

If things go my way all the time, where will I be now?
If I am so afraid all the time, would I dare to even look into the mirror?
If I give up so easily all the time, what would people think of me?
If I insist, persist, fight, what would people think of me?
If I cared what other people thought, how happy will I ever get to be?

I can't count my blessings without acknowledging all the terrible things that come with them.
I can't be myself all the time, even though I am myself.
I can't be alone without feeling lonely.
I can't sing a song without feeling something move within me.
I can't cry without emotions, or tears, or a wound.
I can't speak with just my lips.

So much for being organized/detailed/having explicit explanations of thoughts. Anyway, I used to be someone who doesn't mind sharing my thoughts or feelings with other people. But sometimes, revealing too much may not be a good thing too. I don't know! Like sometimes I say something, then after a while I think, shit, maybe I shouldn't have revealed that part about myself! Like providing too many unnecessary details?

Sucks to be me sometimes. If only I were a simple girl. Then I wouldn't think so much. Wouldn't have this blog. All my tweets would be about everyday life routines. I would just grab any Tom, Dick or Harry who shows interest in me. I would just simply pass all my exams, get a degree, work in an office, get married to Tom, Dick or Harry, have kids, then die happy. And all my life I wouldn't think of any complicated issues, things that would confuse or sadden me, wouldn't be a teeny bit ambitious, wouldn't want to fight for anything at all...

But life is not like that, and I am not like that. That's why I say, it sucks to be me!

2011-08-15T21:22:00.004+10:00

AIYA.

So tired of tweeting.

It's really scary, how sometimes I want to do something so bad, but I just can't do it? Always screwing things up, making mistakes, taking the wrong turns in life. Sometimes I just want to be brave. If only all I ever had was courage. I'd do anything. Anything. I wouldn't be afraid to try, to love, to take a chance. I wouldn't care if I failed, if I were to get hurt, if people were to judge me. I wouldn't be afraid of anything. I would just follow my heart, do what I have to, need to, want to, and I would be happy. Because a brave girl wouldn't be afraid of loneliness, or sadness, or injustice. She would just be herself, be who she wants to be, and she would be happy! It's funny how decisions that I'd made, chances that I'd took, or missed, people that I'd crossed paths with, somehow merged into this intricate web of something that defines me? And quite sadly, this definition of me lacks a little bit of courage. I want to be brave, really! Mummy used to tell me to be a brave girl and do this, do that. Maybe I was braver as a kid compared to now. Not afraid to fall, to speak, to befriend. Probably not even afraid to die. So innocence is courage? Makes sense actually.

Hey, going back on topic (YES the previous chunk was off-topic LOL.), really a bit sick of tweeting already. Maybe I should stop for a while. Still tumblring though. But getting lazy already LOL. Damnnnnnn what's wrong with me? People with no life play all these social networks, but I think even if I stop my actual social life wouldn't have any improvements?! Would still be the same. ANTI-SOCIAL. True story.

But it's still nice to go out and laugh my head off with friends, especially when I'm feeling all shitty about school. Really really nice. Yup, I know friends come and go. And now I am more accepting of this fact, and I don't feel all sad about people leaving me, or changing the way they treat me. I guess eventually I will know who are the ones who will stay with me indefinitely.

Sigh. If only I could just snap my fingers and erase all thoughts from my head, and have some firewall function or what shit that would prevent thoughts from coming in, that would be good right? Totally good. Because excessive thinking, fantasizing, predicting, reminiscing..... = DEADLY.

YAY I rock so much because I update my blog so regularly now. Such a good blogger.

PS: I am actually quite humble.

PS(2): And NO, I am not EMO KID. (Laughing Out LOUDDDD)

PS(3): Sometimes words cannot describe how shitty I feel. And sometimes, I don't feel half as bad as what I write lah. SO. Depends, on my mood.

PS(4): Singlish FTW!!! Lahlehlor. Enough of PS-es. K thanks BYE.

2011-08-13T09:12:00.003+10:00

I want to be pretty.

Skin too dry.
Spring, will you be here soon? Flowers and mist, missing much.
I think I'll be fine this semester clinic. I have to be fine.
I want to travel.
I want a new camera.
I want hang around my laptop, surfing, listening to music, blogging, tweeting, tumblring, chatting, watching movies, all day long.
I want to go for strolls.
Too many unwanted thoughts whizzing through my brain. Life-threatening.
I've got to escape!!! Where to?
I need someone I can always turn to. Like always always. But.

It's fucking coming back again.

2011-08-10T17:50:00.004+10:00

Okay here goes.

If YES, I

Risk losing some things - Intangibles, but important - and the damage caused may be irreversible.

If NO, I

Go against my principles
Let my amazing strong-willed personality down
Risk losing that opportunity to someone else
May have to wait forever

So, which should I choose?

Anyway, that was a rhetorical question because when it comes to making decisions like this, I have to do it myself. I can't even ask for other people's opinions. No one can help me. And I have to face the consequences myself. It's terrible. I always think that the biggest conflict I have in this life is that between my head and my heart?! They are always telling me different things! Which should I follow?

Anyway, do you think a blog without pictures is B-O-R-I-N-G??? I went to set up a tumblr. But I think I need to ask people how to use it properly. Like what's with the following shit? So I follow someone and his/her pictures will appear on my blog? Together with or separate from my own posts? Or am I the only one who can see the pictures from those I follow? No right? Why so confusing!?!?! Never mind, I will figure it out next time.

Right. So I typed the above 2 days ago when I just set up my tumblr, so I sounded blur like sotong. But now I have kind of figured out how to use it, and it's actually quite fun? Like, I can use blogger as my words-only blog, and upload/reblog photos to my tumblr. Cool?!?!?!

PS: Yesterday was National Day!!! Happy Birthday Singapore!!! The xiao long bao and roti prata were like freaking funny. Too bad couldn't watch the fireworks LIVE.

PS(2): My tumblr link is just there. Right THERE. DO YOU SEE IT?!?!

2011-07-29T17:47:00.000+10:00

There are too many things going on in my head. Too many.

I don't like the way I organize my thoughts and duties, the way I handle things, maybe people. I don't like my ever-changing personality. I don't like the words that go through my head and come out of my mouth. I have many many things I am displeased about myself. If I were younger I would probably hate myself to the core and feel all lousy and stupid and mark 'SELF-ESTEEM' to a negative value. But now that I'm older I have learnt to accept the fact that sometimes I just have to embrace this person in me, and that some things just cannot be forced, cannot be changed. Yes, I have accepted myself as who I am. But that doesn't mean I don't try to be a better person, to be someone else. I cannot just accept something, say I don't like it, but not do anything to change it! That's when the horror starts! I want to change but I can't! I don't know how, maybe impossible, very very difficult... SEE? This is the horror. This is the horror of being a human who is like me.

I am stressed about many things. Sometimes I look at other people and I think they're taking things too hard, they think too much, they push too much, but they're actually mirror reflections of me?! And then I see those people who have such amazing personalities, such strong leadership, such competence, such capabilities, such courage, and I ask myself why don't I have those qualities, how come I am still stuck in this brain and body of mine, how come I am ME and not someone else. I ask these questions and feel sick about this world.

Maybe I don't know myself that well yet. I don't know my limits, I don't know what potential is in me. The feelings disturb me, make me unhappy, make me feel terrible. But beneath it all I think- no, I am quite sure- there's something that wants to break free. Something that has been already there, probably, since many many years ago, when I started trying to prove to other people and to myself, that I cannot lose, and I cannot fail. This ambitious streak... It' hard to explain, but it's there, and not there. I tell myself, yes yes I can do this, I want people to see that I am capable, that I can do what they think I can't, and then I start to waver, and I don't know where to start, how to start, whether or not I really can do it.

Growing up forces me more and more to challenge myself. More and more the feelings of uncertainty arise, more and more things don't go my way. Often I feel lost and alone, especially in this place that I cannot call 'home'. I don't have many friends I can depend on. I want to talk, I want to lean on someone, I want to cry, I want to run away, but I can't. There's no one. Or maybe it's just me hiding from everyone.

ANYWAY, done with the ranting. Don't worry if I will kill myself, because I won't. And I am actually quite happy to be back. Nice weather! :) Oh I miss everyone back in Singapore already. One month is too short, really. And in case you haven't already realized from my whole chunk of emo typed-out thoughts above, I am currently faced with the worst semester EVER. EVER EVER EVER. So, even though I said I am happy to be back because I sort of missed little Brissy, I actually hate to start the new sem.

Hmmm and some thoughts about friends. I know I'm not a very good friend myself and I shouldn't judge. But some people should really give a shit about who cares for them, really. If not, that person will just one day stop caring! I know, it's hard to tell who really cares and who doesn't. Like maybe someone really cares for another person but that person doesn't seem to be reciprocating because he or she thinks the person isn't really caring, but just being polite, or bored, even. Am I confusing anyone here? Yeah, I am not pointing fingers or anything, I am learning too, to care for those who care for me, and to not fucking give a damn to people who will treat me like trash. ANYWAY, I still love you guys who read my blog, who ask me out or spend time to go out with me, who occasionally drop a text or MSN or facebook message or whatever... Little little things that are actually very very sweet.

OH MY, GREAT ATTEMPT AT REVIVING THIS DEAD BLOG. I am so proud of myself. :D

2011-05-09T12:10:00.003+10:00

We all do things that we regret. I hate it. I hate to tell myself, "If I knew this was going to happen, I should or shouldn't have done this in the first place!" But we are not perfect. At the point in time of doing that very act that we would later regret, we do not know that it would be the wrong thing to do. Or something that could be done in a better way. Maybe this is what learning is all about. It is difficult, but this is life. And sometimes it takes many many blows for us to just learn that one thing. And the sad part is, we may fall again anytime. So many things I thought I could do better with my life. I want to be the best that I can be. I don't need to impress anyone, I just want to be happy with myself. But with such a competitive mindset and this strong urge to succeed in whatever I put my heart into, it's not easy. To be honest, I don't take failure very well. I want to do well. I want to be the best speech pathologist ever. Not literally, but in my own way. But I do things that I am not happy with afterwards. I go hard on myself, I reprimand myself, I generate all those harsh thoughts and swallow them back. It is my way of forcing myself to do better the next time. I may seem like I can't be bothered with anything sometimes, but I want to think of myself as a perfectionist. Not in everything, but in the things that mean something to me. Life is not about achieving big and earning big bucks. I want it to be something like, I am happy with what I'm doing because I'm doing it the way I want to. I don't have to be the director of a speech pathology unit. I can just be a normal speechie who runs around and brings changes to people's lives. It's about having some principles going round in your head and sticking to them because they are what that define you as a person. I am terrible sometimes. I say bad things, I act weird, people may not like me, but it is just the way I am and I am unique. I cannot help being me. I appreciate myself and there will be people who appreciate me. If someone doesn't want me as part of his or her life then so be it. I don't have to be in other people's worlds if they don't want me to. I will be with those we wants me to be around. I know like any other human being sometimes I fail to care or love, but I know deep down my heart really wants to if that person means something to me. I am just saying whatever thoughts that are coming to me now. There are some things that are caught in the complex web of neurological connections in my brain and I want to untangle them and free them here. Sometimes I do really extreme things. Not advisable, but can be therapeutic and very very effective if you're feeling lost and depressed. I feel so much better now.

Sorry for the long and disoriented paragraph! Just some chains of thought! Back to talking about daily life! Boring, but!

I want to thank a particular boy: Hello Boy M. You are really such a sweetie. But I am going to DIE analyzing youuu!!! He's this really cute and shy boy with so many speech difficulties. It is for children like him that we work so hard for actually. And he tries so hard which makes him so amazing. But I think I didn't do well on my part, and I am sorry.

What else what else. Ok, erm, sorry to say. I got drunk again. And I went to the club. FIRST TIME EVER. I don't wanna write details here, not pretty at all. But I was safe and everything was alright. No throwing up, not wasted, everything good. Just plain partying until dawn, letting all out, and feeling like shit afterwards. Because of sleep deprivation and a little hangover and stuff. But, the scary (or maybe not so scary) thing was, I felt SO GOOD after alchohol therapy (OK THIS SOUNDS WRONG KIDS DON'T LEARN FROM ME OK) that despite the after-effects I felt light and happy and hopeful about life! This is really crazyyy. No, I won't do this often. This is only an option when I am really stressed-up/depressed/angry and want to have fun for a while. Oh wait, I don't feel stressed-up/depressed/angry most of the time right? Nah, I don't. I think? Ah whatever, I'm just saying!! Alcohol is bad, don't drink!!! It hurts your vocal folds and gives you voice problems.

And last of all... I END ON THE LAST DAY OF EXAMS WHAT SHIT LUCK I THOUGHT I COULD GO BACK HOME EARLIER BUT WHEN I SAW THE TIMETABLE I END ON 25TH SOME PEOPLE END LIKE ONE WEEK EARLIER THEN CAN GO HOME EARLIER NOW ME I HAVE TO GO HOME EARLIEST 25TH I WANT MORE TIME IN SG WHY IS THIS SO UNFAIR IDIOT!!! So I went to book my air tickets back to Sg. Coming back on that very day itself. I have an 8am paper, flight is in the afternoon 2 plus. After exam, grab luggage, and GO. I miss home actually. I know the weather has been crappy lately, so freaking hot and stuff, and I would gladly trade some of the cold here for a little Sg warmth. Winter's approaching, rainy weather. Still bearable though! And I kind of like it! But it will get worse. I just hope my winter sickness doesn't come! Last year's winter was terrible. If the persistent cough comes again I swear I'm gonna dig out my lungs. No I don't mean it, just saying. I just don't want to be sick in winter and STUDYING for finals at the same time. It is super sad.

Bye for now! Will be back. I know I know, you guys love me. :)

2011-05-05T20:11:00.005+10:00

Hiii I am back. I still can't believe it's May already. Just submitted two essays (one actual, one draft) today, ended Voice exam on Tuesday and had my much-dreaded hell clinic today. Sooo... I am SORT OF free. For a while. Now I am actually kind of bored. It's a happy kind of bored feeling. :)

Boy you know I miss you so
I didn't know you had to go
You've had enough of our distance baby
Before I had the chance to say
I'm staying with you
For the rest of my life

Don't keep telling me these words
You don't know how much it hurts
And I'll promise you eternity
If you promise me your stay
But now it's too late
I'm no longer the girl that I was

I will go on without him
Like a fool who's too sure
I'm like a bird who's lost her wing
A fire without its flame
I don't know how to be strong
When my love has to move on
I am a song without a soul
Now that he's gone
What's left of us is this song

What's left of us is this song

This is our song without a soul
Now that you're gone
What's left of us in this song

Been thinking too much recently. Ended up having some really bad dreams. They're those kind of dreams that are pretty vague, random, weird, and they don't leave much impression. I only catch bits and pieces after I wake, but the feeling those dreams leave in me after they drift away, it's really really bad. I feel so uneasy, terrified. As if the bad dream is really going to translate into some bad event that will happen to me. And it doesn't help that the weather is so freaking cold in the morning. It's a sad feeling of loneliness and fear, that I wake in a dark room, shivering, the rhythmic ticking of the clock in the background.

I learnt that God actually does come to me through my dreams. I wonder what those dreams mean. I want to know what God is trying to tell me. Seriously. Should I hang on? Guys think girls are complicated. Maybe we are, in a way. But what I want is actually very simple.

I want to believe.

2011-04-28T22:53:00.002+10:00

I am tired of guessing and daydreaming. It is a spiral. I am going in circles, deeper and deeper into nothingness. God gave me a box that is locked. How I wish I could pry it open! But I won't. I can't. I don't know how to. It feels like wind. Always around me, but I could never keep it.

Missing.

2011-04-19T21:56:00.002+10:00

IT'S ME AGAIN. AREN'T YOU SURPRISED?

...It's always me actually.

Have you ever wanted to understand and be understood? When I open my heart I expect the other person to do the same. When I care, I want to be cared for as well. I know, every individual is special. But it's hard to feel special when you're not being treated special. I actually hate this feeling of being "one of them"? But everyone is.

It's really hard to explain all the spinning thoughts in my head. I think I feel more than what these words describe.

2011-04-14T12:10:00.004+10:00

I think humans need dreams to survive.

Sometimes I wake up to a new day, with no plans whatsoever, unsure of what's to come, feeling all empty and tired. This myopic view of the future, just looking at the present, or at most, one or two days ahead, thinking: Oh I have this lecture/practical at this time, I should print my notes. What should I eat for lunch/dinner? I have some spare time after dinner so maybe I could watch a movie? Watch some YouTube? Read my novel? What else could I do? Nothing? Go to sleep.

When the monotony of life starts to overwhelm you, that's when the void comes in. This space, trying to swallow you up. It's really scary. I am constantly trying to escape this void. Trying to, don't know how. Sometimes I get frightened. That one day Ill be left alone in this world. No one would know me, no one would remember me... I'll be still breathing, hell yes, but already dead. It's sad, when people you've spent time with, people who've shared your life, people who once told you secrets, now just erased you from their lives. Like dusting a blackboard clean, even the white specks of dust wouldn't remind you of what's once there. I have tried, I think I did. But even a tiny cut leaves a scar, a memory of pain, even if the cut was made by your favourite penknife.

That's life maybe. People come and go, friends become strangers, words and feelings that once meant something disappear somewhere beyond the edge of memories. You forget people, you are forgotten, you share something, but get nothing in return.

Sometimes I just want to care, but I don't know how to, don't have the chance to, don't know if they want me to. I try very hard, really.

People spend their lives waiting. Waiting for this and that, waiting for people, waiting for surprises, twists, turns, changes. Even waiting to care, waiting to share, waiting to love. Eventually they all wait for life to end. I don't think I know more about life than these people. I can't judge. But this is how I feel. I am waiting too. And I don't know for what.

I write because I want to create my own reality. But sometimes I write just to get away from reality. Or rather, to escape the void...

2011-04-11T11:27:00.002+10:00

I want to sit on a cloud
Beside the rainbow
My hair dancing in the wind
Fresh drops of rain softly against my cheek
And sing a sweet lullaby for the children of this earth
Such innocence, such purity in their souls
Such beauty in their smiles
No tears, no unhappiness, no pain
Just joy, the simplest kind of joy
That brings brightness to their eyes
I want to hear God in the noise of everyday life
Ordinary people, ordinary days, ordinary routines
But extraordinary faith and belief
To listen for God in the sounds of nature
In the smiles of strangers
In the music of a brand new day
I want to find God amongst these ordinary things
Because there is where He will be
And I want to be in the bleakness of night
The hurt, the suffering, the desolation
The cries of emptiness
The lost sheep wandering endless plains
Because where all the sadness thrive, love survives
And I want to find love
To feel it pumping in my vessels
To taste it on my tongue
To hear it whisper in my ear
Love is where You are
And on this tiny little cloud, I want to watch You
You, tiny in this world, but so big in my life I am tiny in You
You are where I want to be
So take me from this cloud
Take me with You and put me somewhere in Your heart

2011-04-09T16:37:00.002+10:00

There is a place, somewhere.
I do not know where it exactly is, how does it look like, why is it there
All I know is that it exists
Sometimes I yearn so much to go there it hurts
Sometimes I am inside it without realizing
Sometimes I think I am touching it with the tips of my fingers
But still, I have no knowledge of this place
Is it pretty, with blooming flowers and shimmering rainbows?
Is it scary, with grey mists and dark, hovering clouds?
I do not know.
All I know is that it attracts me
It is a feeling.
A feeling that associates this aching longing in my heart with this mysterious place
It is a feeling I cannot describe.
It is just there.
There, together with this place.

***

Three major papers DOWN!

Speech analysis is actually quite fun! :) And I am currently indulging in this new-found fetish of imitating children's speech! It is very simple, people! Just pronounce all 'r' and 'l' sounds with 'w' sounds! I love to say, "I am hungwyyy...!!!" :)

And I want to complain about this other speech module of mine! An extremely difficult paper but extremely bad notes! Wasted so much of my time studying! :( But its over. I don't wanna think about it!

I think, I am a very weird person. I used to tell my mum about weird people I'd encountered in my life. And my mum would tell me, maybe it's me who's weird? I cannot agree more. I am the weird one, always accusing other people of being weird. But anyway, I have this extremely weird thinking. My brain is wired in such an amazing way I cannot describe. It's just frighteningly unique, sometimes I'm afraid of myself and the way my brain works. Probably it was just one teeny-weeny change in neuronal connection, and my way of thinking, my behaviour, my emotions - basically, my personality, changes. I am not saying I have significantly changed, like, became a totally different person. Definitely not. But, there is a difference. And I could feel that it is big. And it grows within me. A different thinking, different actions, different outcomes, different feelings stirring inside me. And then there is this stupid, redundant thought coming to me: Oh my, I have changed! This is really weird. And that is why I say I am weird. Maybe that's why everyone is weird, in their own way.

People! S.H.A.R.E! This is really a good word. And it makes me feel good. :)

2011-03-24T21:52:00.002+10:00

Nothing is more heart-wrenching than chewing off the part of you that you so dearly love. You don't have to be so hard on yourself. You don't have to hang out with people who are not like you. You don't have to prove to anybody your worth. It's just love, for heaven's sake, what are you people so afraid of? It's not wrong to love another person. It's not wrong to be kind and gentle. It's not wrong to be attached to the shadows of the past. Some people lose themselves in the crowd, never seem to find the way, always meeting the wrong people. They are lonely. You can't touch them. Their flesh is so tender it hurts. You don't need to be there, my dear. You don't need to be anywhere. Not unless you find yourself. You don't need to cry, my dear. The rain is on you anyway. You don't need to bleed, my dear. Can you even feel your heart anymore? Just close your eyes, close your eyes.

Some movies really hurt me. Just 1.5 hours to allow me to seep into the veins of a story, to silently cry out in anguish, to feel the bitterness on the tip of my tongue. And in that 1.5 hours I was shut off from everything else, into another world, under another skin, hearing the echo of my heartbeat. There is magic in story-telling, I always knew. I love words. And movies play out those words in a different kind of beauty.

ANYWAY, I am not depressed. My blog isn't private, that's why sometimes I have to write stuff in an obscure manner (usually in italics), like putting a veil over what I truly want to say. So don't interpret them so literally! They are supposed to have hidden meanings.

2011-03-15T00:18:00.000+10:00

20 years is a long time.
20 years of life has somehow shaped me into who I am today.
I had 20 god-damned years to understand who I am.
But sometimes I still don't fucking know who is that girl in the mirror.
I don't have many 20 years.

I don't know if you have ever felt this way
That you simply hate yourself to the core
And you ask questions like,
Why the fuck did I say things like that, do things like that
Why am I so fucking stupid
Why can't I do anything right
Why am I just brought into this world to be a fucking embarrassment
So that people can laugh at me and make me feel shit about myself

I think we all do this sometimes
We draw the perfect picture of ourselves
The girl or guy that you want to become
Gorgeous, smart, funny... Everyone loves you
You are good in everything, yes, everything
And I think ever since I have a brain I have been wanting to be that girl

I don't like failure
I don't like how I screw things up
People think I'm not good enough,
And then I want to prove them fucking wrong
I am not a perfectionist
I am not comparing myself with the world
I don't need to stand at the top of this world
I just want to do well in what that matters to me

I am still seeking the way into my heart.

***

OMG I need this: $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

I want to go out and eat good food, I want to buy THIS, THIS, THAT, THAT, THIS..., I want to play, enjoy myself, make new friends... All these need MONEY! Maybe I am spending too much. All my friends are being good girls and saving up for I have no idea what. I look at myself and... sigh.

Well, I just want to be happy! Maybe sometimes it is just that I don't know what is it that makes me happy that's why I am doing all sorts of weird things. Then I ask myself, am I happy? I don't know. I still don't know!

But life is about exploring, discovering, marvelling. Hell, I should just live. No matter what happens, just live!

God will understand. I used to pray to God to make all the decisions for me. Open this door for me and let me go right in. Choose for me, God! I would say. But God doesn't do that. He gives me various options. Doors for me to open. I don't want to choose, God, I don't want to. But this is life, and God is just giving me suggestion after suggestion, a plan he has drawn up for me, with many routes to different outcomes. I am the choices I make. But still, I don't like to choose. I just want God to make all the decisions for me, to give me all that I have prayed for, to just let me live the life that I truly want! I am selfish. Human is selfish. And God will never, never pamper me like that, because he wants me to grow.

I am trying to, Lord. Trying very hard. But I still feel like a lost sheep sometimes. What can I do, Lord? What can I do? Is there anything that could spin my life around? A blinding light, an apparition maybe! If my heart could take it. Or just, just someone to tell me something that would hit me hard on the head like a rock.

Alright, I think I have raved enough. And let us all pray for the people of Japan. Terrible, terrible tsunami. :(

2011-02-19T19:32:00.002+10:00

The world changes...
But why haven't I change?
Why am I such a bad person?
I want to change, Lord, I want to.
But why...?
I don't know how to love, Lord.
Teach me, please.

***

Singapore, you are beautiful.
I wish I could stay longer.
21st Feb, and I would once again say goodbye to my home.

Goodbyes always hurt.

2011-02-01T18:45:00.000+10:00

Sometimes.

Sometimes I get a little moody,
sometimes I go a little wild.

Sometimes I let a little alcohol, seep into my blood,
somtimes I get drunk on the monotony of life.

Sometimes I cry with laughter in my eyes,
sometimes I laugh with bitterness on my tongue.

Sometimes I lie with words that make no sense,
sometimes I get fooled by this heartbeat in my chest.

Sometimes I sing only with this crowd,
sometimes I dance only in this darkness.

Sometimes I feel a tiny pain and let it pass,
sometimes pain is the only reminder that I am still alive.

Sometimes I drown in the arms of a stranger,
sometimes I kiss without believing.

Sometimes I wake with the night still deep in me,
sometimes I sleep as if daybreak is forever.

Sometimes the sweetness of daydream lingers on my lips,
sometimes I yearn for a life of fantasies.

Sometimes I weave dreams from nothing,
sometimes I build dreams on nothing.

Sometimes I am just me in this world,
sometimes this world is just everything else without me.

***

It is the first day of February. Chinese New Year is welcoming me with open arms. :) I am not exactly excited about making this coming festive season a joyous, incredible one, neither am I looking forward to wearing that plastered smile on my face and greeting people I only see once in a year, but there is something in the air that is making me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, despite the consistent rain. Maybe it's... the magic of family.

Yeah and disputes happen. All the time, maybe. But it's best if we don't think too much about them. I hate it when people say the wrong things and then apologize afterwards. I rather they don't apologize, because it's not going to erase the memory of all the means things that have been said. I know I sound silly, but sometimes when you're frustrated and annoyed you just want to just get the whole bad situation out of your head.

No worries folks. Things are going well, and I'm just glad I'm home this CNY with my family and friends, munching on all the goodies I'd missed out last year, and watching so much TV, learning so many new things, feeling so many different feelings, seeing so many different points of view on life... the list goes on. It's just good to be alive, really. I'm reading Mitch Albom's Have a Little Faith now... and perhaps this book is somehow making me understand the true meaning of living everyday. It's a good book, really. Worth a read.

Goodbye for now! :)

2011-01-21T11:37:00.002+10:00

I would like to think that Life is a Big Big Hole. A sort of emptiness too scary to even imagine, the worst pain that man can ever experience, a gaping loneliness that leads to nothing but eternal darkness. Humans are born to avoid the harsh, for God gave us something called Survival Instinct, a yearning for all things good. In other words, Life is a choice. And we do what we can with this Big Big Hole. So we fill it. With all things sweet and cuddly and cute and soft, with smiles and laughters and dances and songs, with love and family and friends and children. We fill it with all the good things to combat all the bad things of this hole, we try to make this Life as meaningful, as beautiful, as hopeful as possible, by suppressing the evilness, desolation and pain. Sometimes we throw the wrong things inside, sometimes we stop our task of filling this hole, sometimes we let the tears, the despair, the hurt take over us and this gaping Hole becomes so scary, so intimidating, we allow ourselves to be swallowed up. But Life requires us to constantly fight this scary Hole, to fill it up with things that we love, things that make us smile, things that make us stronger. We feel tired and stop, and then we fight again. We let the pain numb us for a while, and then we stand up and brace it all again. We shed some tears, have some daydreams, wait for seconds to tick by, and then we are forced to face this Hole again. This is living. This is Life. Constant breathing, beating, thinking, feeling. We control Life as it controls us. Unless we are dead.

***

Before I apologize, let me first say something...

I LOVE SINGAPORE!!!! <3<3<3

Ok, I'm cool now. SO SOLLLLYYYYYY.... for this super late entry...I'm such a bad bad blogger... AHHH Bad blogger bad blogger!!! Alright, I have punished myself! My arms ache from playing Kinect... HAHA my family is having damn a lot of fun dancing! Ok, before I continue, I want to say something...

I LOVE SINGAPORE!!!! xoxoxoxo

Right, ok. ...Er have I said that already?! Haha sorry... Where was I? Erm, yeahh, poor Brissy has flooded. I feel sorry for those people who have to evacuate, eat biscuits for 3 meals a day, and what, go without water and electricity?! And all those stuff that has been washed away or dumped... Damn sad. I would have cried if all my clothes and stationery and papers and whatever nonsense I have were gone forever. Thankfully, my stuff are still intact! Now that the water's subsided, all that's left are mud, dirt and rubbish, more mud, dirt and rubbish. Lots of cleaning up to do. Hopefully when I return in February the pretty pretty place will be restored! OK wait... I gotta say something...

HAHA I KNOW I'VE SAID "I LOVE SINGAPORE" ALREADY!!!

Too fast too fast time is moving too fast I don't want to leave not yet help keep me here I want to stay don't want to go back to school don't want don't want don't want ahhhh.

Ok I know I shouldn't be complaining. My local uni friends have either already started school or are starting school soon. I can feel the sian-ness hanging in the air, really. The sian-ness of being a student.

Oh oh I LOVE JOHN CONNOLLY. I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM! I love him for creating CHARLIE PARKER. Oh I love the Detective so much. Why is he so smart, so brave, so good yet so evil. The kind of hero I like.

I shan't blog about the places I've visited as they are all in Facebook. But but do allow me to flaunt the gifts that my parents bought me! I love my papa because he bought a new Xperia x8 and Canon IXUS130 for me. Both the phone and the camera are not new models but they are good enough for me and I like them both VERY MUCH. And I love my mummy because she bought an Emporio Armani watch for me. I feel like a princess! :)

SHOPPING!!!!..... should stop. Like really. I've been spending too much... But but, clothes are never enough for a qianjin like me!!! HELP!

My hair is like crap. Enough said.

What else what else... AH YES, I WANNA GO OUT!!! I love going out for movies and meals and shopping and chilling-outs... Isn't this LIFE?!

I am go glad I am back home. :) Seeing all the people I have not seen in the last few months, it's a blissful feeling. A feeling of familiarity, of closeness, of home. :) Talking about life before, drawing a bit of the future, daydreaming, thinking, exploring, so many things that we do together with friends and family that means so much to me now that I'm older. There's a new word I like now - "SHARE". I want to share some of my life with others, so they can do the same, and then I am no longer just Me, but Me with people, Me holding on to the dreams and hopes and longings of others, Me linked with feelings and thoughts that are not mine but yet influential, dependable, so so valuable. This is Me with all the people I love and want to love, this is Me entering new lives, speaking new words, taking new risks.

In other words, this is Me learning to become more sensitive to what that is besides Me.

I don't want to go back to Bris because I dread the studying. But a part of me is excited about the new things I may experience in this semester. There is a lot of meaning to being a sophomore. I think, I do look forward to it. :)

Good luck to my friends who are already experiencing a packed packed uni schedule, or who are waiting to welcome (maybe not) the packed packed uni schedule. Good luck to my working friends. Good luck to those yet to ORD. Good luck to everyone this 2011!

Praise the Lord for bringing me into the new year! I wish for no tears, sadness, or ill-health, but lots and lots of genuine laughter and love. :)

HAPPY 2011!!! <3

2010-11-16T23:30:00.002+10:00

I saw a gift. So beautiful.
I think of it all the time.
I want to unwrap it.
But I don't know if it's mine.
My heart beats. I feel alive.
There's a window
Right there, right there
Do you see it?
Probably not.
There are curtains.
But I'm there, just behind them.
Smiling, waiting.
But hey, there are so many other windows.
Different curtains, different smiles, the same wait.
You are just passing, just passing.
We wonder, what are you thinking?
Do you want to open a window?
Is it mine? Is it mine?
Do you want to talk to me, take my hand, or kiss my lips?
You don't know.
You won't know.

2010-09-09T16:37:00.002+10:00

AHHHhhhh.... (let's out a deep deep breath.) Anatomy practical exam is over!!!

Hours of mugging in the library almost drove me crazy. Looking at the horrible dead bodies, trying to figure what structure, what hole, what depression is that, desperately memorizing all the origins and insertions of muscles... tore countless strands of hair off my head. Well, I think I studied too much unnecessary stuff. And I made stupid careless mistakes in the exam, like always. And after the exam, my hand smelt of dead bodies!!! (As in the chemicals they used to plasticize the body parts.) Nope we're not supposed to touch any specimen, but I think I went so near them trying to observe where the pins were indicating that I caught their smell. I felt empty after the exam. There wasn't a feeing of euphoria, the kind of joy and freeness you feel after difficult papers. It was just... emptiness. Maybe because I think I didn't do as well as I thought I would, considering how much I studied. But well, it's over. And a good habit of mine (or maybe it's a bad habit) is that I always forget everything about the exam once it is over. Woohoo! Play time!

Boring life. It's week 7 already, and looking back I seemed to have done nothing at all other than rushing assignments and studying. What the hell did I do for the past 7 weeks? I must have done something other than brain-cramming. Yeah, going for movies and meals... gosh what else?! Spending money unnecessarily, that's it... Hmmm... Ah yes, using my wireless internet! I got wireless internet already! YAY! BYE BYE stupid 6gb USB. :)

I wanna do something. But I dunno what. That's the feeling I always have. And yeah, I'm going to take up a THIRD LANGUAGE lols. You guys can make a smart guess what language I'm going to learn. It's kinda obvious, rightey? :/ It's good that I'm bilingual, better if I'm trilingual. It really helps when I'm studying languages, be it in linguistics or in speech. Mono, bi and multilingual people have difficult sets of problems when it comes to language disorders, and it's really interesting to learn about how their brain processes. Like now I'm learning the differences between the phonemes of different languages, how to transcribe language, how we pick up multiples languages etc... Heard of the IPA? I thought it was really interesting. It was hard at first, but when I started to get the hang of it, I found it really cool. I can spend hours and hours transcribing words using those phonemic alphabets. It's hard for me because I don't speak Australian English. I speak... well, SINGAPOREAN English which is like... weird. LOL. (Don't get me wrong, I'm damn PROUD of my Singaporean English.) It's just that when it comes to transcription I get them wrong, because the way I pronounce certain words is different from how the Australian natives pronounce them. During the transcription test, the native speaker said something like, "I bet you can't trade that old bomb for a new car" and I was like ?!!!?!?! It sounded like mumbling to me, with all that slang and slur and everything in their casual everyday Australian speaking. And I had to transcribe that. It was so hard. But cool. I like this sem's linguistics more than last sem's.

Even though my prac exam just ended, assignment deadlines are reaching and I even need to do an oral presentation next week. Ah I hate my speech tutorial. The one with discussions. Gosh. Adrenaline rush everytime it's time for discussion! I sound so weird when I'm talking. And I'm like blabbering?! Maybe that's one thing bad about being bilingual?! Both our languages aren't really as strong, at least not orally. And I'm the only Asian in my class. AGAIN!!! I realize, the Australians are damn good at discussions. They can talk non-stop! But it comes to doing oral presentations, they seem so nervous. I wonder why.

Ok, my hands are tired. I'll update again when I think of interesting things to write. :) Bye, for now!

2010-08-23T22:53:00.001+10:00

The (Wonderful) Story of MY THUMBDRIVE

This is going to be the most touching story in the world. This is the amazing story of MY THUMBDRIVE that managed to overcome all odds and return safely to the open arms of it's owner. It's sad history will bring tears to your eyes, but don't cry because of the pain that once seared its wounds, cry because the scars that now remain will only continue to glow with pride and triumph.

MY THUMBDRIVE was given to me by my mummy many many years ago, I can't even remember when. It is 1GB in storage size and proud to be so. I will tell you why later. It has a silver & purple shimmery lanyard. This is an important point to note in her journey back home.

Between years 2007 and 2008, MY THUMBDRIVE accompanied me through those weary days of PW, as well as other projects. It contracted a virus sometime in 2007, and never really recovered until in 2009 when my brother reformatted it for me. By then, MY THUMBDRIVE has multiple scratches, and her lovely lanyard has lost some of its shimmer.

Still, I loved and protected it, because it's the the one and only thumbdrive I have, MY THUMBDRIVE. I brought it with me to Brisbane, so that it can experience what it's like to be outside Singapore. Last sem I seldom used it, but somehow, because of the increase in uni internet quota this sem, I find myself repeatedly bringing MY THUMBDRIVE to school to download songs and videos. The touching story of survival unfolds here...

Once, I forgot to remove MY THUMBDRIVE from the USB port of a computer in the uni's biological science library (BSL), and went home. I only realized I had lost MY THUMBDRIVE later that night. I was so upset. I went to BSL first thing next morning and checked the com I had used. But to my horror MY THUMBDRIVE wasn't there anymore. I went to the frontdesk and asked the recep if anyone had returned a thumbdrive with a silver and purple lanyard. The recep opened her drawer, and there! Right there, so eye-catching and beautiful, MY THUMBDRIVE sat. Hurray! I found it.

But, but, poor poor thing! MY THUMBDRIVE got lost again. I remembered pulling it out of the USB port, I really did! But one day when I returned home, I couldn't find it. That day I walked a lot, I must have dropped it along the way. It'll be so difficult to find it again. I thought, sadly, that I have lost MY THUMBDRIVE for good. That time spent together has come to an end. That it is time to say goodbye, and get a replacement.

God bless MY THUMBDRIVE! For it found its way back to me again! Someone found it near BSL, and because I have got my contact details in it, that person was able to email me. Actually, some things in MY THUMBDRIVE are quite personal, like my resume, school results, scholarship details etc, so I was kinda worried when it got lost. Well, that person was kind enough to apologize for accessing MY THUMBDRIVE, and promised that nothing was looked at except my contact details. (Who the hell would believe that actually?) Anyway, the good news is, MY THUMBDRIVE is back home again! Joy to my world!

I mentioned the thing about being just 1GB right? Well, that may be the very reason why nobody wanted to keep MY THUMBDRIVE! LOL. Who would want a 1GB thumbdrive now, right? That's why it kept coming back to me. My lovely scratched thumbdrive with it's dirty, vaguely shimmering purple and silver lanyard! Yay!

The End

So this is really a touching story right? Hope you enjoyed it!

PS: Assignments are pouring down on me like rain. Going to be busy, busy, busy!

2010-08-17T21:44:00.001+10:00

There are times

When you look into the mirror and realize
Hell, I'm ugly
When you're in a group and everyone
Seem to overshadow you
When you think you've done your best but
Things just like to go according to Murphy's Law
When the thing or person you long so hard for
Just never does and never will belong to you
When the weather is freaking cold but
You still want to wear T-shirt and shorts
When you lose something precious
And never find it again
When you have words at the tip of your tongue and
You swallow them
When you envy the gifts that God give others and yell in anguish
Where's mine?!
When the smile on your face is
As hard as a rock, as stiff as a...
When you see someone and want to
Stuff shit into his or her mouth
When gravity just
Can't seem to pull your heart and mind back down to Earth
When the only thing you want to do
Is vanish
Vanish...
Vani...
Va...
V--
.
Yes, you get my point.

*

Yawn, wasted my afternoon sleeping.

Anyway, hurray! Hope this attempt to revive my blog will be a successful one! We shall see, ok?

I moved into a new unit this semester. It's a great place to stay. Other than the small single bed with irritating jutting-out springs, I have no complains. The kitchen's amazing, it has everything! The toilet's just the right size, the living room's kinda colourful, and the balcony is huge. When we moved in, Shirley and I, the third ensuite room was empty. We thought we could find a housemate soon so that we don't have to pay empty rent for that room, but turned out that finding a housemate is so damn difficult. Wenkai introduced a friend who was looking for a room. He came to inspect it, and after that I gave him a few days to decide. On MSN we talked. I answered his questions, tried to smooth out potential problems (like possible conflict living with 2 girls), kind of persuaded him to take the room. And he DID agree to take it, on MSN, he said alright he will be staying with us and he'll move in the following week Sunday because that's the day he could get a car. I trusted that he had the integrity to not go back on his word, even though he just agreed on MSN without signing anything. Come to think of it, I shouldn't have believed him entirely. I should have continued looking for potential housemates, but the thing it, I thought he wanted the room already so I stopped searching for other people. That's integrity on my side as well, right? I shouldn't let out the room to other people when I've already agreed to give it to him. Well, anyway, as you all may have guessed, he didn't take the room. That's fine with me really, IF he had told me earlier and PERSONALLY. You know what? I only knew he wasn't going to move in when I asked him on MSN what time he'd be moving in on Sunday. And he said he left me message saying he wouldn't be staying anymore. Message?! What message?! SMS, or MSN offline message?! Either one, I didn't receive. This is something important, shouldn't he like call me or something?! To tell me personally?! What rubbish. This is irresponsibility ttm! If he had told me earlier I could have continued finding a housemate and not waste so much precious time and money! I'm like throwing rent into the drain!!! Anyway, because of him, I was so freaking angry, and Shirley and I had to desperately find someone to take over the room. Thankfully, we have found our new housemates. A couple. BUT, they have not signed anything yet, so a part of me is still wary. Well, they came to view the room twice, and have already set a date with Shirley to sign the lease, so... Should be fine, I guess.

I WANT MY WIRELESS INTERNET. :( My 6GB USB broadband is seriously insufficient. I've been using it for one sem already, and I must say I did quite well surviving on such small amount of internet quota, but going back home to Singapore must have destroyed that getting-used-to. When I came back, I streamed YouTube like nobody's business, downloaded videos and songs, then realize... I have no more internet to use. Uni internet quota has increased from 400MB to 700MB. Like WOW!!! Ok, really, I'm not being sarcastic. Any increase is an increase and I mustn't complain. At least I have more to use in school when my 6GB runs out. Anyway, I applied for wireless already. My nice new housemates agreed to share the setting up costs. But I still have to wait... Things are so SLOW here is Bris.

The speech module I dreaded last sem continues... I just visited the childcare centre today. Every 2 weeks we're required to visit a child and an elderly person. We're supposed to stick to the same kid from last sem, but mine doesn't visit the centre anymore so I got a new kid. Well, he's... VERY hard to please. They tell me he's cute. Yes yes, cute on the outside, with big blue eyes and curly golden locks, but he's way too playful and I had a lot of trouble getting his attention. And when I played with other kids he started throwing things around. I was so tired trying to interact with him. And my elderly person... Rae and I found a centre at Indooroo, but they said we need some criminal clearance statement or something?! Before we could visit an elderly person. So we got our course coordinator to help us. But she said she wasn't able to do so, but will try talking to the Manager of the centre. Turned out the elderly there have neurological problems so we can't visit anymore. We're supposed to look for healthy old people. Rae went door-to-door, got rejected several times, but managed to find someone who was nice enough to entertain her. I went to a retirement village today and found a nice old lady, Catherine. She was a nurse, educated and everything, so even though she's quite old already like 80 plus, her mind's still clear and she speaks very well. The picture naming activity I did with her was like an insult to her intelligence. It was nice talking to her. Actually, she was the second old person I talked to. The manager found me another old lady before her, but turned out she has some illness(something something degeneration) and is partially blind, so I couldn't do the picture naming activity with her. Her name is Nina, and she's a nice, sweet old lady. I felt bad wasting her time and having to give up on her. Anyway, the retirement village is so cool. It's huge and self-contained, like a resort, with restaurants, lounges for chit-chatting and games and luxurious units for the old people to live in. There's also a hairdresser! I wonder if the old folks' home in Singapore is as warm and cosy as this.

Not a bad attempt at reviving my blog eh? What a long post.. My hands are tiring. Seriously, I've been really slack since the start of sem... Been doing nothing much other than going out and watching Queen Seon Deok. Sometimes I really wish to make use of my time more wisely, like meet new people, explore new places, learn something new. But... yeah, things just turn out to be like that. That's why sometimes I feel, I'm really sick of everything!

PS: I lost my 1GB thumbdrive my mum gave me. I've been using it for years. :(

PS(2): I promise to update my blog more regularly. :)

2010-07-22T23:23:00.004+10:00

Someone said my blog is uninteresting.

And tomorrow marks the end of my 3 weeks of bliss in Singapore. Oh mans, how I will miss this lovely place! Yes yes, the weather's so hot I sweat as soon as I get out of an air-con room, population density is so high sometimes I wish I could just wipe those crowds out with a bulldozer, and everywhere is so city-like the air smells of exhaust fumes and every morning I awake to the sounds of traffic... But still, still still still, I love this place because it's where my family and friends are, where the food I've been eating all my life are, where people who speak the same language with the same accent as I do are, where unlimited internet and other advanced technology are... All these, they give me such a strong sense of familiarity like no other place. Because here is home. And home is where all the good things are. :)

A packed packed 3-week break for me! It's hard to write everything I did in detail here. Well, just briefly, I had outings with my family (including my favourite cousin :D), went out with some special friends, watched FOUR movies, ate all the epic Singaporean food I won't get to eat in Bris, streamed and download videos like crazy... Yeah, my interesting 3-week break. Oh oh, and I watched NDP!!! Woohoo~ Count on me Singapore...!!! Count on me Singapore...!!! Erhem. Sorry.

I'm really happy because in this 3 weeks so many memorable things happened. The people I met up with, the stories they shared, the things we do together... All the laughter, the HTHT (hahaha! Xiaobei taught me this, and I taught her KoI in return!), the memories created... I'm keeping them all close to my heart. :)

People I didn't get to see this month I hope I will see them in December. Time is going to pass very very fast. 1 semester is just a short 4 months, and soon, soon, SOON, I'll be back! In December! :)

And yeah, someone said my blog is uninteresting. Have I mentioned this already?

HAHAHA. Eating a handphone. I like this gif! ♥

BYEBYE Singapore (and all the people and things I love within)! Wait for me to come back in December ok! :)

2010-07-05T23:53:00.001+10:00

마음이... (Heart...)

I cried so much.

2010-07-03T00:24:00.006+10:00

I'M HOME!!! OMG I'M SO HAPPY!!!! I MISSED EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE IN SINGAPORE!!!!!!! :))))))))))

The frost bites on my hands are gone. My skin's not peeling anymore. I'm dressed in T-shirt and shorts. I no longer shiver in the night and after I turn off the shower. I can eat my char kuay tiao, hokkien mee, bak chor mee, laksa, prawn mee, chicken rice... I LOVE SINGAPORE! YAY~!!! Wow, being a student studying overseas really brings out all the patriotism in me! =)

Flew back to Singapore ALONE. It was certainly an adventure! Left the house at 8 plus in the morning and took the train to the airport. I was really lucky, because despite encountering several problems along the way, I managed to reach the airport on time! Well, the train system in Brisbane isn't like Singapore's MRT, it's hell a lot more complicated. Plus, the trains don't come every 5 minutes, so I had to plan my schedule beforehand, like what trains will come at what time, where and when I should transfer and which platforms to go to. I have absolutely no sense of direction and am sometimes a bit blur, so it was really quite a challenge to travel to the airport on my own. But still, I managed to. Thank God! =)

At the airport, everything happened smoothly. Erm, QUITE smoothly. I had three bags with me, a small bag for my valuables, my hand-carry bag and my laptop bag, but the counter lady said I was only allowed 2 bags. So I had to give up my small bag. I stuffed all my things in my hand-carry bag and dumped the small bag. No worries, it wasn't a waste because the zip's spoilt anyway. I wonder why, all the bags I brought over to Brisbane died on me, and about the same time! Anyway, before I got on to the plane, I turned on my laptop for a while and sipped flat white at a cafe. It was a nice feeling of having my own space. It's like, wow! I'm at the airport, alone, surfing the internet while drinking coffee, people bustling around me but nobody bothering me, feeling calm, free and happy. 30 minutes before departure I got on the plane and woohoo~ On my way to Darwin! Budget planes are really small and stuffy, and to make things worse I was squashed between two big-sized Australians. The trip to Darwin wasn't that good. I was bored to death! No entertainment at all other than my mp3, and I couldn't get to sleep!

At Darwin, I was glad that the departure gate I was supposed to be at was easy to find. I had some water and chips, and watched God of Study while waiting for time to pass. Finally, I got on to D-PLANE that would take me back home to Singapore. On the plane I watched God of Study and time passed quicker this time. The plane was newer and cleaner too, though equally small. And finally, at 9 plus at night, Singapore time, the plane landed! HOME SWEET HOME! Changi Airport is sooooo beautiful. :) My parents were there to fetch me. And three of us had a nice nice supper. I was starving when I reached Singapore!

I missed my bed! My room! My neighbourhood! So many familiar things around me that I have not seen in 5 months. The smell of morning in Singapore. The noise. The people. The language. So so so many things that I love and have missed while I was in Brisbane.

Today I visited the salon... Snipped off those nasty split ends, did hair treatment and a bit of curl enhancement and dyed it a healthy brown colour. After that I walked around Novena for a while, drank bubble tea and had ice cream. :) 1.50 bubble tea. CHEAP. The ones in Brisbane cost 3.50 at least, aussie dollars.

I think I must have matured a lot in the past 5 months in Brisbane. Maybe it's the distance and the longing that make me want to cherish the people and things in Singapore more. My parents, for example, I especially do not want to take for granted now that I can only get to see them once or twice a year. Little things I will do for them without complaining. If my papa wants to talk, I sit there quietly and listen to him. If my mummy needs help with anything, I will gladly help her. In the past, impatience would show itself very easily in me, and I would often grumble like a small kid. Now, in this little amount of time I have with them, I want to be the best daughter ever. To be happy around them, to please them as much as I can, to show them that their daughter loves them a lot.

Really, it's a nice, warm, sweet feeling to be home. :)

2010-06-23T17:03:00.003+10:00

Exams are over. :) Semester 1 is over... PLAY here I come. SINGAPORE I WILL SEE YOU ON 1ST JULY.

Ok, frankly speaking, I didn't really mug very hard. In between studying, there were a lot of going-out-for-meals, chit-chatting, playing, daydreaming... You name it. And while my head was ballooning with linguistics, psychology and speech terminologies and concepts, many things happened. I shan't elaborate here, it'll take forever. I just want to say... Things change, and there are many things I have to get used to. Sometimes I think too much, but that's only normal, because I am human, and humans feel and think like no other species on Earth. Now that really sounded like a stupid reason! But who cares. It's MY blog entry.

World Cup is here...!!! :) I remember watching the 2002 World Cup and cheering for South Korea... But they lost so I supported Brazil instead, who won the 2002 World Cup! I missed the one 4 years ago though, because of the sucky match timings and the fact that I needed to go to school, and damn, 4 years is a freaking long time...!!! Can't believe it's 4 years since I was in Sec 4... Ahhh ok better not go off-topic. SO, IN CONCLUSION, I'm NOT going to miss this year's! It's showing for free on Australia TV...! How nice! Woke up at 4:30am today to watch the match between South Korea and Nigeria. The match was kinda disappointing... I'm glad that SK got into top 16, even though they didn't do it in a WOW!!! kind of way.

Winter has come... and thankfully, it's not as cold as expected. I could survive on just a pullover and jeans... during the day. Night's freaking cold!!! Walking home in the middle of the night in just a pullover and jeans is no joke. But there were times I had to, because I mugged in my uni's Biological Sciences Library. Opened 24 hours just for the exam period. :)

I am currently homeless. Like seriously. Moved out of my unit, and am now staying with Jiahui and Jasmine. Desperately looking for a place to stay next sem. :(

It's only 5pm now and the sky's turning dark already. The sun rises at 6am. And the moon can be seen at 2pm. Weird...

I keep moving forward into the past
Blindly searching for things that could have, but did not, happen
I don't want to look into the future
Because I'm afraid

2010-06-07T21:15:00.002+10:00

I can feel it coming
Black rain
Seeping through my pores
Trickling down my bones
Filling up every cell in my body
Until I can no longer see, no longer feel
No longer recognize who on earth is this girl
Standing in front of the mirror
Rotting inside
Filled with filth
Drenched in black rain

2010-05-31T20:02:00.009+10:00

A young girl who has aphasia, a language disorder. She had a stroke last year due to a hole in her heart. As shown in the video, she has severe word-finding difficulties. But it's nice to know that she's still going on strong and working hard. Just a short video to help people better understand aphasia and what a speech therapist may face.

2010-05-20T11:31:00.000+10:00

I want... I want... I want...
So many things that I want.

But cannot get.

2010-05-10T11:36:00.002+10:00

We like to ask ourselves
Why some people always get the good things
Why life treats us all differently
This strong thirst for condolence
Is a poison that surges through our veins
A criss-crossing web of dread plunging us into eternal agony
Is it the unfairness of life, driving us to the edge of our sanity
Or the devil within us that plants the seed of greed
That turns us all into strangers
Still capable of talking with smiles in our eyes
Hugging, kissing, holding hands
Like machines in a virtual world
Controlled only by the technology of hastily advancing time
While the technology of the heart fades into oblivion
We never know how to appreciate
Always wanting to peep into other children's bag of toys
Always staring with longing at the candy in their mouths
While our ice cream melts in our hands
It is the cruelty of life, the pitifulness of human
Self-inflicted pain
That throws us all into a void of loneliness
Of no escape

2010-05-04T18:18:00.002+10:00

Watched Ip Man II on Sunday after Dim Sum at Landmark. The movie was good. :))) Then at night we went to sing K at New Way (Rhymes!). OMG there must be something wrong with my voice. Felt very 吃力 when singing some of the songs I usually sing. Songs like 一拍两散 and 不痛. Ok I shall be optimistic and blame it on the lack of vocal warm-up. It's not that my voice is going downhill! Definitely not. New Way has more variety of songs as compared to 红馆. But halfway through something went wrong with the power supply so the TV in every room shut down. How come suay things always happen when we go sing k?

PS: It's May. May is the month of Mother Mary. I can't believe how fast time is moving. One thing about time: It never waits.

PS(2): I think I'm getting better at cooking. :) 千金 can cook! But mostly for the sake of survival. Still hate doing household chores though. Never gonna like doing them.

2010-05-03T17:10:00.002+10:00

LANDMARK DIM SUM ROCKS. :)

2010-04-25T00:57:00.000+10:00

Some brief updates on my life in Brissy! (Erm, really really brief. =P)

Went dreamworld. :) Fell 39 storeys. OM-freaking-G. Damn shiok.
Went Stradbroke Island. Did sandboarding, surfing and snorkelling. What an experience. Like really. Try getting stung by bluebottles.
Went Harbour Town. Shoppinggggg is LOVE LOVE LOVE. Retail therapy is the same in any country. Better when things are super CHEAP! Cheap, with brand and quality. :)
Went Sunny Bank. I bought my kaya, like finally!!! :)
MID-SEMS ARE OVER!!! PLAYYY!

I want to thank God for giving me so many things
Courage, faith, laughter, tears, pain... so many things
Gifts He have chosen specially for me
To help me learn, to help me grow
To keep me going
So many times I have forgotten He's just there beside me
But never once did he forget to listen to the sound of my heartbeat
To walk with me down rocky paths
To hold my hand when I'm scared and alone
The friend like no other. Always there. Every second of my life.
And every time I cry, every time I reach out with open arms
Before I close my eyes every night
I hear a song from a voice so lovely, so gentle
A Mother with such warm hands
Comes to me in blinding beauty
She's so beautiful, so so beautiful...
Her prayer is like a glow in darkness
To lead me safely to the House of God

PS: Been spending quite a lot. :/
PS(2): Because, I've been going out a lot. But, all's fun, so, spending a little wouldn't hurt. I guess?

2010-04-17T10:12:00.005+10:00

When minds around you start to wander
When eyes around you start to hold secrets
When hearts around you start to change
When lips around you start to speak of deception
When hands around you start to clench
When feet around you start to leave

That's when you finally feel alone.

2010-03-30T11:55:00.002+10:00

Thirsting for Change. Craving for Excitement. Being Brave. :)

It's been quite some time since I last blogged about my life in Brissy. Lazy me. Ok let me think of where to start... Horse-riding? Yeah I went horse-riding 2 weeks ago at Goldcoast. It was fun. :) A great experience. My butt ached after 3 hours of riding. We rode in a fixed route, through plains and fields, mud and stones, even crossed a creek! The view's fascinating, mountains, tall grass and sparkling sweet water. The bad things were spiders and flies. The horses there are trained to move in a single file in a specific order. There's a guide in front and the rest of us just followed behind her. Most of the time the horses will follow automatically the one in front of it, but if it doesn't, you've got to kick it. Then you have to control the direction of the horse and the tightness of the reins too. Most importantly, you've got to stop it from eating grass. When it starts, it'll never stop. My horse's name's called Wally! The guide told me he's a good boy and he'll take care of me. Well, true to some extent. Wally wasn't really that stable. Sometimes he slipped when going downhill, or splashed mud on my shoes. The worst thing was, he's such a meanie! He bit the horse in front of him (Grace) and I was totally shocked! After that I didn't dare allow Wally to get too close to Grace. Other than all that, he didn't really give me too much trouble and listened well to me. Unlike Jiahui's horse Ruffles, who ate and ate and ate non-stop throughout the journey. Kinda annoying because you had to keep pulling him away from the grass. In between the 3 hour ride we had a break by the creek, and the guides built a fire and made tea and toasted bread. There were strawberry and apricot jam (both infested with ants but we ate them all the same) and honey. While we ate we played the animal game with the guides. I didn't really like the trotting part which was when the horses went a little faster than usual. I bounced and bounced because I couldn't catch the momentum and control my movements so it hurt quite bad. At the end of the day we were all super tired. And the thing was the day before I went horse-riding I took 3 jabs - MMR, Hep A and B and tetanus - all at the same time, and my arm hurt even more after that. But it was all fun and nice. :)

Saturday was super duper cool. Went to this new place woollongabba to sing k. We were extremely spontaneous, which made our trip super fun and adventurous. We decided that afternoon we wanted to sing, so we found out where to go and planned our journey. We managed to find the place and sang for 4 hours. Dinner and drinks were included in the 4 hour package. There were A LOT of food and they weren't too bad! All chinese food. The room's quite small, but still ok for 4 of us. The karaoke quality wasn't that good. Some music videos cut off halfway and some were a bit choppy. The variety of songs was not that fantastic too, but still acceptable. They do have the songs we usually sing, although they focus more on cantopop. The microphones... lols. Something funny happened. While we were singing halfway, the mics suddenly started squeaking super loudly, as in the "EEEEE..." sound mics usually make, and Shirley and I were like covering our ears because we didn't want to go deaf, and Jasmine was frantically trying to shut them up but couldn't because they put a scotch-tape to the on-off button so that the mics can't be turned off, and the system and wires were in the cabinet so we couldn't plug them out too. Oh it was totally chaotic and freaking loud! First time I heard a mic squeak for such a long too! Then a staff entered and he was like, what's happening?! He did something and the sound stopped. We girls KO-ed on the seats. Totally embarrassing. But after that we couldn't stop laughing. Oh and the rooms are not sound-proof! We could hear people from other rooms singing, and there's this guy whose voice broke quite bad and we couldn't stop laughing at him. K was totally fun.

After that was the highlight. It was kinda late, 9 plus 10, and weird people were starting to appear on the streets. Some high, maybe drunk people started shouting random words we couldn't catch from their cars as they drove past, scaring the hell out of us. We didn't know where to go to catch the bus home and were wandering around aimlessly when suddenly we saw a lot of people. And I really mean it. A LOT OF PEOPLE. The streets started flooding with people all coming from one direction. A lady told us a football match had just ended, and everyone was like streaming out of a stadium nearby. The stairs were cramped with people! I haven't seen so many people in Brissy like that before, all MOVING at the same time, and suddenly we were like caught in the crowd. It was totally scary. There were even traffic police blocking off the roads and giving directions. There were more buses than usual all going to the city (I think prepared in advance for the crowd) and we just randomly hopped into one. Singaporean spirit. Die-die also must squeeze into the bus. Plus it was free! We found ourselves in the city and took the train home from there. It is not advisable to go out on weekend nights. There're really a lot of weird and scary people around, Luckily we walked as a group. Saw some drunk teens on the train. One girl almost puked. People were walking around holding wine bottles. When we reached our stop, which is a quieter and safer suburb, we waited for the bus. Then we met Angeline who was driving past and she offered us a ride home. So nice! We were really lucky. :)

Sunday's Palm Sunday! :) I took home an aussie palm! But it's like dying already. Had mass in a beautiful cathedral in the city. Today I had my first aussie Stations of the Cross in school and I cried my eyes out. It was so touching... I thank the Lord for dying for me.

Ahh... (Takes a deep breath). Long entry! :)

PS: MY BRO'S 25th BIRTHDAY TODAY!!!! :))) I did this for him.

Cute right? :)

PS(2): I took my 2nd hepA and B combined jab last week! Hurt a lot when the needle went in, but after that it was ok. Unlike the tetanus one, which made my hand pain for 3 days!

PS(3): I managed to borrow John Connolly and Carlos Ruiz Zafón. Both are my favourite authors! I'm sooo happy!!!

The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch

Touching. Some parts made me tear. It's a beautiful, beautiful book. Life is like walking down a rocky path. But it's nice if you can leave a trail of flowers behind you for the next person. Inspiring and bitter-sweet. And I was totally amazed! I did see Randy Pausch's name in the World Book under Virtual Reality. :)

Ok I'll end here. Will blog again!!! :) My mood's going UP UP UP!

2010-03-18T11:13:00.001+10:00

K-Will - Gift

Enjoy :)

Sometimes, life isn't what I expect it be.
But really, there's nothing much I can do but live it.

2010-03-04T18:08:00.000+10:00

the shadows
are ghosts
lurking in the darkness
haunting me
wanting to bring out
the demon
incarcerated within me
my heart
is screaming
so loudly
the world quivers
tell me
where do I belong?

2010-02-21T17:40:00.003+10:00

I am here. It is now.
I am paying the price.
For everything.

I want to eat pineapple tarts and bagua. I want to lie on my comfortable bed on the platform in my room at home and sleep for 12 hours with the familiar sound of the fan ringing in my ears. I want to open the fridge and cupboards in my house and find familiar food I always eat. I want to walk in Hougang Mall. I want to go to NTUC Fairprice which is just 5 minutes from my house. I want to whine to my mummy. I want to have access to all the lovely clothes in my closet. I want to breathe the Singapore air. I want...

...to daydream like how I used to when the real world was still blurry and unfamiliar.

I realized, some Australians are really rude. Well, I guess it's the same for all places. You'll meet some mean people once in a while. Customer service wasn't up to standard. I don't like how the supermarkets, eating places and shopping malls are so far away from us. The worst is the technology. The internet SUCKS. Same for their phone plans. I don't want to talk about this. Some things I've come to know: Their Burger King is called Hungry Jack's. Their green man doesn't flash. Their red man does. As in the traffic light. They do sell bubble tea, but there're EXPENSIVE. Havaianas is CHEAP. The one I bought in Singapore costs 30 aussie dollars here! And I bought it for 50 sing dollars! I feel so cheated! Their city is not as high-class as Orchard Road, but still trendy. I see a lot of Asians around actually, especially in the city.

What else what else... For the past week I had this pre-orientation jump-start programme. There were many many boring talks... Nothing much about it. The australian first years are really young. I feel so old. Much segregation, as expected. I still don't feel any big excitement. Hope the campus will be more fun and happening during orientation week, which starts tomorrow. I look forward to seeing more people, more activity, and a more promising future for myself.

PS: I've uploaded photos on facebook. Go see!

PS(2): Please feel free to send me some love through email, fb or msn. :)

PS(3): Happy birthday Peiyee! I love youuuuuu...!!! :)))))

2010-02-14T23:23:00.004+10:00

HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR! :)

This is the first time I'm celebrating CNY in another country. Went Chinatown just now. I didn't feel ANYTHING associated to the CNY mood. Just plain hot, hot and HOT! The sun was really really really SCORCHING hot! Bought some raw stuff for our steamboat at night from Chinatown and they're not exactly cheap. Tried out the washing machine just now, and I realized, I had never operated a washing machine before in my entire life until then.

Hmmm, ok I better start writing from day 1 when I first arrived in Brisbane. Took the airport reception to our apartment with Jasmine. Jh and Rae went to the cargo terminal to get our cargo. Almost died while moving the massive amount of baggage we had. We agreed to meet later at The Manors. Waited for Jh and Rae at the gate of The Manors. Fell asleep while leaning against a luggage. Jh and Rae finally arrived. Checked-in, and almost died again while carrying our stuff up THREE storeys. Our house is nice, but a little too big for the 2 of us. The garden is infested with bugs, and every morning you'll wake up to assorted bird noises. Spent the rest of the day unpacking my stuff. The pillows are really uncomfortable! Thankfully I brought my bolster over or else I doubt I can fall asleep at night.

For the next few days we opened a bank account and settled our internet and phone line. Did shopping at supermarkets and tried out some food. Their servings were really big so 4 of us shared our meals. We went for this talk at UQ and explored the school a little. It's quite pretty.

Went Chinatown just now and ate nasi lemak and laksa for lunch. Not too bad, but there were so many people in the restaurant the service became bad. I remember those crazy Saturday nights during which I served...

Had a nice steamboat just now. I'm stuffed to the brim with processed food, veg, rice, noodles and green bean soup. We really ate like there's no tomorrow. The stuff we bought here tasted different. Not as nice as those in Singapore. Though it's fun to celebrate CNY with friends, I miss eating with my family. I felt a little home-sick while looking at the hastily-prepared steamboat in a rice cooker. It just feels different. Well, everything IS different.

First day of CNY and I saw blood. How inauspicious. The toilet door came off and landed on my feet. It hurt so bad I couldn't move for 5 minutes. It felt like I had fractured my toe. I hope not. Now the pain is still there. I don't think I ended my first CNY in Aus exactly the way I want it.

I'm still trying to get used to the Australian accent. We had some trouble with pronunciations.

I felt like crying while ranting to my mummy through email. I want to shout everything to her face-to-face but I can't. I feel home-sick, especially now that I'm sad and in pain, and it's the festive season.

* * *

Dear Couz,

Yes, yes, I do visit your blog! :) I hope you see this too.

Childhood days are really really sweet. Who can forget them?

We cried, laughed, screamed together, had petty fights, held hands, even bathed together... lols. All the cute things children do, we had done them before, and I'm proud to have a childhood family/friend like you.

As we grew up we talked more, played less. Shared secrets and gossips, drooled over hot korean guys, got addicted to korean shows and music. It was all so fun.

Then somehow we don't get to meet that often. I guess your mum doesn't cook as often too. It's sad because I can't even meet you this CNY.

But I think we'll still be as close as ever. We have so much to catch up on! We share a really special bond that doesn't weaken over time. You're like my best cousin!

Keep in touch! Tell me when you see this. :) Sick of e-mails we can webcam! Prepare like tonnes of juicy stuff to tell me k. I'll be back soon! Maybe I can celebrate CNY in Singapore next year!

Miss you! :)

With ♥, Jaymie

* * *

PS: From now on, my blog time is Brisbane time, which is 2 hours ahead of Singapore time.

2010-02-10T16:53:00.001+10:00

인연
사람들 사이에 맺어지는 관계
여러분은 인연을 믿습니까?
우리가 만난
수많은 사람들
수많은 인연들
때로는 스치듯 짧은 만남도
마음 속에 오래도록 남아
그리움 이란 이름으로
다시 우리를 찾아옵니다
인연
사람과 사람이 만나
하께하는 모든 것들
사랑이나
인연이나
잊을 수가 없는 것들
오늘 그 소중한 시간속으로
여러분은 초대합니다

-1박2일

Fate (因缘)
The relationship that links people
Dear friends, do you believe in fate?
We meet
So many people
So many relationships built
Sometimes the meeting may be short
But it stays in our hearts for a long time
This word that holds our longing
It finds us again
Fate
The meeting of people
The time spent together
It is love
It is fate
Times we cannot forget
Today in this precious moment
Dear friends, you are invited

-2Days1Night

My last blog entry before I say goodbye to Singapore's sky and everything under it. I want to thank some of my friends for the lovely gifts and well-wishes, for organizing dates to spend time with me, for helping me in one way or another. I think I do believe in fate. :) To me, it is something unpredictable, but sweet, unforgettable, and deeply, deeply cherished.

Thank you for the love, my friends. Take care!

* * *

Every Dead Thing by John Connolly

Too exciting. Not sick of Charlie Parker yet, thankfully. Still a fan! :) Too bad I can't stay to read another one.

* * *

Beer Advertisement. :)

Part 1

Part 2

2010-02-07T16:36:00.000+10:00

I am sick and depressed. I feel like a grumpy 80-year-old woman. I want to become a snake and crawl out of this layer of dirty skin! It's like fighting a war against myself and the world until I no longer know who my real enemy is. I live in this world and I know that it's scary, but youth is special because it makes me feel away from it, and when I'm not part of it, I feel safe. But youth is a fleeting beauty, short-lived like a passing cloud, something that will be the past, like a passionate but unclear dream you will wake up from. Time is moving me closer and closer to the harsh realities that change people into hated monsters, or worse, breed evils in the depths of human souls, behind the smiling eyes and kind words, behind the masks that depict good-will and affection. I am no longer the little girl sandwiched between adults, looking up at them with confused eyes. I am going to be a kite, soaring above the clouds. I can't see who is holding on to my string. I don't even know if it's broken. Sometimes I just want to get away from everything to a place where no one knows me. But it's how the way life works - We can't have the cake and eat it.

I don't think I have time to finish all my library books. I just hope the libraries there can satisfy my thirst for good novels. I'd probably die of boredom without money, TV, internet AND novels.

I guess we all lead different lives, and it's up to me how I live mine. Richer or poorer, I decide. But as I say in prayers to God, I want to live life to its fullest, and I really really hope I can. I don't want to torture myself by hating every single person or thing that comes into my way. I want to embrace them like how God would to everything that walks into his arms.

I believe we all have our own void in our souls. It makes us us. No matter we fight to fill it, accept it, or ignore it, it determines who we are, for it is there, all the time. Like what John Connolly wrote: Sometimes, we need our pain. We need it to call our own.

* * *

Rain's children are my children too. Ok, that sounds weird.
BLAQ is so going to be my next new colour.

2010-01-31T15:15:00.000+10:00

I hate people who don't try to solve my problems. Not talking about UQ here anymore though. So many things to think about these few days I think my head is 2 times bigger, literally. Plus, the weather is killing me. Nice, cool weather lasted as long as a passing breeze. And when things don't go my way I start to hate every single thing I see: The swirling dust in my room, my hair on the floor, the dirty fans, tables, walls, the messy papers, make-up, stationery. Everything, everything, everything is getting on my nerves!!!

I'm going to be sick... My nose blocks all night long and my throat itches. Hell.

Can't get enough of Dongho because of MagBanShi. He's so freaking cute and so going to be my all-time favourite 연하남 from now on. 내가 키울 남자~ Come to 누나~ I'll buy you ice cream. OMG I feel like a paedophile. I think somewhere inside me there's this devil that secretly craves for young boys (I still love my son, Jacky仔), and lately this devil has probably been awakened by John Connelly. I better stop being such a pervert.

Some laughter to cure boredom.

The very famous Heading. DDIINNGGG~~

Is Key trying to kill my baby?

Taemin's idea of competition...

I think I better treasure the unlimited internet usage I enjoy in Singapore... :(

2010-01-24T14:15:00.008+10:00

Byebye KOPITIAM~ Hello PREPARATION PERIOD~

I want to thank the lovely friends I'd made at Kopitiam, who were mostly nice and kind to me during my time there. Despite all the political riots, badmouthing and backstabbing going on there, it was a pretty good experience for me as an assistant in the finance department. I saw how tough things could go in the accounts department, how feelings could be hurt so easily and how relationships could sour so quickly, but I also sensed the warmth that people spread in times of trouble, and heard bright laughter that could only emerge from endurance of hardship. It's sad because I wanted to become closer to some people, but time didn't permit, and I have to go. Still, I'll keep all the happy memories and try to forget the sad ones, and I'll pray that troubles will go away soon for some people, that there will be less internal conflict, more love, sharing and friendship, and that bosses can be a little fairer in their treatment of employees. Byebye, all. Good luck! :)

My favourite photo taken using Jane's phone! :) It's blur but I like it! Couldn't produce the exact pose using my digicam! LOL.

Now that I'm free already, it's time to prepare for the big day! With lots of outings and catching-ups with family and friends in between! First, it's a day dedicated to my hair. My stylist calls it 'The Big Project'. Everytime I visit her I sit for at least 7 hours, my back threatening to break anytime, and a hole burns in my wallet. The worst is the highlight. It took very very very long because the guy had to do it layer by layer, but he's quite good-looking, so, oh well, I'm ok. Now I still cannot stare into the mirror for long, because I look quite frightening, and it takes a few days of washing to make it look more natural, and a little bit of getting-used-to.

What's with blogger? I can't see the cursor.

Later I'm going to get my new specs! Money is being used-up like water these few days, and I know how much water my family drinks - a lot! I am seriously scared I'll become a 败家女. I'm using my new laptop now. I really need to get used to the keyboard. But everything is done, thanks to my korkor, who helped me installed this cute anti-spyware thingy, Photoshop, MSN, Microsoft Office, Windows Movie Maker, Super, Audacity, XMPlay, Windows Media Classic, and he even settled my warranty for me! All I needed to do was sit by the side and say "Thank you". Something good about having an IT-savvy korkor. Not that I can't install all these myself, but I'm pretty slow you see, and I'm not sure what softwares are good these days. For example, I'd probably just go for Winamp for my music. Get what I mean? Oh but too much spoon-feeding is never good, because when something goes wrong with my lappy when I'm there, I'd probably panic. My dad says I'm computer illiterate, just A BIT better than my mummy. But that's not true ok. Really. I mean I'm much better than my mummy and I'm not computer illiterate!!!

The stupid uq people are not answering my questions or solving my problems. How bad can this be?! I'm angry because I feel like they're neglecting me and not treating me as one of their students.

The Book of Lost Things by John Conolly

This book is so horribly, terribly, sickeningly amazing. I thought it's going to be like Narnia, or Harry Potter, but no. It reminded me a little of Shadow of the Wind, but they have almost nothing in common really. Maybe just the fact that both made reference to a particular book. The Book of Lost Things is pretty frightening. A magical book, but not suitable for kids, how ironic. Some events that happened in this book can really make you sick. I'm no sadist and I hate all the gore and violence, but still I can't stop reading it. It's the power of Conolly's writing. The world that Conolly created is dark and cruel, but real, so real it scares you. It's how fairytales and reality can blend into each other so comfortably that makes you believe nightmares do come true and there will never be any happily ever afters. Highly recommended, if you're prepared for some grim and sick adventure through the eyes of a 12-year-old boy. You will read fairytales that are far from what you know since childhood, and trust me, they're not as magical as you think. In fact, they're dark and horrible and really really sick.

2010-01-15T00:12:00.000+10:00

The Lovely Bones by Alive Sebold

This book is really really good. I can't believe I shed tears at the end of it. Emotions are still raging inside me now, my mind still full of flashing images. This is a story about death and all the beauty of it. Writers of gruesome Thai and Korean horror stories can go hide their faces in shame because this is one ghost story that brings out all the wonders of life - how to accept, let go and move on, how to forgive, love and dream, how to live on earth as you would in heaven because miracles happen all the time around us, if we care to look out for them.

Something from the book I like a lot: I had taken this time to fall in love instead - in love with the sort of helplessness I had not felt in death - the helplessness of being alive, the dark bright pity of being human - feeling as you went, groping in corners and opening your arms to light - all of it part of navigating the unknown.

Once in a while I like to indulge in these kinds of literary books. The writing is so deep, the feelings intense, even the world changes.

PS: I didn't read it for the movie. It so happens.

2010-01-05T00:11:00.001+10:00

Hello 2010. :)

I'm amazed. This blog has witnessed the passing of six Decembers! And welcome! Welcome, the sixth January. I found myself exploring my blog's archives, clicking on every January since 2004, and realized how much I have grown over the years. From the childish, defiant kid who only knew how to grumble, blame and swear, another person emerged. Someone who was better at analyzing and feeling. Someone who has taken more steps along rocky paths; who has seen more rain and sunshine through what she did and said and who she met; who has experienced more setbacks, tears and weariness. Someone who was braver, smarter, deeper; who looked further, dreamed bigger and aimed higher; who held on to her hopes and aspirations and painted something that looked like a future. Someone who...

I can never finish describing this person. She is full of many things, and I don't think I truly understand her too. As more years pass, maybe she will change, because things change, the world changes. Like what everybody is saying - you hear it on radios and TVs and read it in books, thought it was cool at first but after hearing it so many times you become sick of it and swear the next time you hear it again you will roll your eyes - The only constant is change.

I still have many many years ahead of me, if I don't die soon, that is. I am far from perfect. Of course, the years has forced me to become more like an adult. I can't possibly stay like a little girl forever, right? But I still have my flaws, still say immature things, still throw tantrums like a child. There must be room for improvement, or else there is no point in living life anymore.

So I will keep trying, keep improving, keep growing. 2010 is going to be a big year for me. Big, big year... Who knows what more experiences await me? I am excited about the things God has planned for me. I want to accumulate more stories to share, like adding pages to a novel, or details to a painting. Everyone, let's work hard together. For this new year, for the many more New Years to come. :)

*

The Unquiet by John Conolly.

My last book of year 2009. Addictive! There's humour, suspense, action and twists. All I ever needed in a good thriller. Plus other things as well, like ghosts. Not suitable for the faint-of-heart. Yes, people like me, so I truly regretted reading it at night. The Reapers didn't attract me as much, but I'll still go for John Conolly's books until I get sick of them. There are like so many things I don't know and I'm dying to find out!

*

So hooked on this song I'm singing it all day.

My favourite scene. Hilarious.

Hongki... 참 좋은말!

사랑해요 이 한 마디 참 좋은 말
'I love you' are really good words
우리 식구 자고 나면 주고받는 말
Words my family share when they go to sleep
사랑해요 이 한 마디 참 좋은 말
'I love you' are really good words
엄마 아빠 일터 갈 때 주고받는 말
Words my mum and dad share when they go to work

이 말이 좋아서 온종일 신이 나지요
These words are so good they make me happy all day
이 말이 좋아서 온종일 일 맛 나지요
These words are so good I work well all day
이 말이 좋아서 온종일 가슴이 콩닥콩닥인대요
These words are so good my heart goes 'thump-thump' all day

사랑해요 이 한 마디 참 좋은 말
'I love you' are really good words
나는 나는 이 한 마디가 정말 좋아요
I, I really like these words
사랑 사랑해요
I love, I love you

Yup, 'I love you' are really good words, but it's hard to say it AND mean it!

*

KIMBAP! (Korean sushi)

My BRAVE attempt to make Kimbap. Surprisingly, wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. The biggest horror was not being able to squeeze all the ingredients into the roll, so my kimchi, chicken and egg kept spilling out. In the end, my korkor just hand-rolled the rice and ingredients with the seaweed anyhow and stuffed the whole lump into his mouth, or easier still, eat everything separately.

The two nicer-looking ones.

That's all for this long post.

Happy New Year, everyone. :)

2009-12-26T01:45:00.002+10:00

It's Christmas.

Again.

I vaguely remember what I wore to church last year. We were singing Joy to the World, as usual, and Angels we have Heard on High (Gloria in excelsis deo!). Father got all emo over Oh Holy Night, we sang very very loudly... was this last year or 2 years ago? The church was always crowded on special days like Christmas eve and Christmas, and I wondered if people only remembered God on special days. I felt anger, not because there are selfish people on this earth, but because I may be just one of them, a bad child like I am, seeking God only when I need Him...

Christmas is not Christmas... unless you have it in your heart. I remember A Christmas Carol. Christmas... Sparkling Christmas trees light the night; the protector of presents, the bearer of wishes. Sweet carols playing; songs you know by heart, songs you hum along, songs that make you dreamy with the taste of Christmas in the air. There is nothing more joyful than the sound of children's laughter; Christmas plays memories of childhood, of fun, surprises and togetherness, of hugs and kisses and... birthdays.

Christ is born.

I am the Shepherd. Oh what joy, what joy to see an angel bear good news to the world, a blinding light that dimmed all the stars in the night sky. He has come, and I have nothing to fear. All I have to do, is follow. And if what I am about to witness fails to bring tears to my eyes, I have a heart of stone. For a mother holding a new-born baby boy in swaddling cloth in a manger is most beautiful, most beautiful to see...

It's Christmas! No lavish parties, dancing and drinking, or 20 presents... Just a simple day with God and my family. Had quite a nice dinner with my family. After that its walking around NTUC... Open 24 hours! Cool.

Most of my overseas stuff are settled. Some more buying to do... Ok, I shall save on complains since its Christmas Day. And when I say I don't wanna spend my mummy's money, not a single cent, when I'm in Australia, I mean it. But... but... with the HUGE amount of rent weighing down on me, without some extra cash, I'd probably live like a starving African kid there, surviving on pool water and left-over barbequed food... Can't imagine.

Despite the bleakness, I'm excited. Can't wait to fly there...

One of my favourite songs. The first Korean song I attempted at karaoke and it got me kinda high. LOL.

그럴려고 그랬어 돌아가려고
너의 차가움엔 그래 다 이유 있었던거야
나를 만지는 너의 손길 없어진
이제야 깨닫게 되었어 네맘 떠나간 것을

설마하는 그런 미련 때문에
그래도 나는 나를 위로해
나 이제 이러는 내가 더 가여워
이제라도 널 지울꺼야 기억의 모두를

이제 다시 사랑안해 말하는 난 너와 같은 사람
다시 만날 수가 없어서 사랑할 수 없어서
바보처럼 사랑 안해 말하는 널 사랑한다
나를 잊길바래 나를 지워줘

바보처럼 몰랐어 너희 두 사람
아직 기억하려던 그건 그래 다 욕심이야
다짐했건만 매일 아침 눈을 떠
지나간 너에게 기도해 나를 잊지 말라고

제발 지금 내가 바라는 하나
내 얘길 너무 쉽게 하진마
차라리 나를 모른다고 말해줘
시간지나 알게 될꺼야 내 사랑의 가치를

이제 다시 사랑안해
말하는 난 너와 같은 사람
다시 만날 수가 없어서 사랑할 수 없어서
바보처럼 사랑안해 말하는 널 사랑한다
나를 잊길 바래 나를 지워줘

내가 없는 내가 아닌 그 자리에 사랑 채우지마
혹시 만날 수가 있다면 사랑 할 수 있다면
아프잖아 사랑한 널 지켜보며 사랑한단
그 말 한마디를 하지 못해서

Christmas is going to be over soon! Be merry everyone. JOY TO OUR WORLD!

2009-12-21T21:11:00.000+10:00

Office Politics at it again.

Sigh, really, this is childishness at its max.

I, will talk to who I want to talk to,
and I, won't stop making friends just because of some internal conflict that has got nothing to do with me.

Clique Outing!!! (At last...)

IMH girls reunite...! (Finally...) Lunch/dinner (tea?) at Waraku! But Kitty didn't go and sing with us...

Nice to go out with friends. :) Time spent with my loved ones becomes more special now that I have less than 2 months left in Singapore.

PS: Xiangling and Peiyee, have fun in myanmar! Take care! Outing again when you guys come back.

PS(2): Char, come back soooonnn...!!!

PS(3): Wisdom tooth is torturng me... =(

2009-12-12T00:26:00.002+10:00

WENDY'S.

The above is one BIG CUP of milo. Took me hours to finish it.

KOPITIAM has opened Singapore's first Wendy's at Lau Pa Sat! (I am NOT helping Wendy's do free publicizing.)

Anyway, all Kopitiam staff were invited to EAT at Wendy's FREE OF CHARGE this morning!

Here're some pictures. Again, I must emphasize I am NOT helping Wendy's advertise. The food is really average, just like MacDonald's and KFC. The service staff seem inexperienced. Nothing special, so visit at your own risk. Just another fast food outlet, another choice, another competitor. Nothing cool.

The cool thing is we got to go inside Wendy's to eat before it's official opening on Monday! The director of Wendy's wrote 'Private Function in Progress' to keep people out. I think they're going to get angmoh mascots to dress up like Wendy on Monday. You can see Wendy's photo up there, with the funny hair and the symmetrical pimples.

Yingxuan and her friends came to visit today! Today's lunch was my most enjoyable one! =)))

Accounts is really really really... (Ok, for the benefit of people taking accountancy, I shall not say it too harshly. Hehe.) not my cup of tea. I cannot imagine a career in an office, as an OL, typing typing typing... reading numbers that don't make sense, squinting at dots, slashes, dashes, trying to memorize every single short-form, getting buried in invoices, quotations, receipts, reports, files... papers that serve no other purpose but bring down trees...

Urgh.

And the worst thing is, I don't get 1.5 times more pay per hour of overtime!

I do OVERTIME! I can't believe myself. My previous admin jobs were just slacking, MSN-ing and net-surfing. Here, I don't get to do any of those. But I'm better off than the full-timers. At least I get paid for doing overtime.

The weekends are finally here. It's time to settle some of my overseas stuff. Troublesome. I'm doing them all alone! My mummy pang seh me.

2009-12-06T15:09:00.000+10:00

Admin job is really boring... Nothing much to say about my new job.

I had my second jab! Couldn't take the H1N1 jab together with my chicken pox jab though... This time it hurt more than the last time. I felt the needle against my flesh... Gosh.

Watched A Christmas Carol with Char. A nice, heartwarming show that made me think. Life is how you want it to be. My life, it's not just me - my heart beating, my breath one after another, my thoughts, emotions, words, everything. No, it's me with the world - people, things, differences I make. Christmas ghosts exist in everyone. They tell the value of Christmas, the value of life. They are only frightening because we are frightening, our thoughts and actions, the way we live. Christmas is coming... Again, the time has come for us to think, to change, to improve. Each time we welcome Christ's birth, hopefully we become stronger, braver, and more prepared to face the new year that is to come.

Oh love, wae ee jae suh ya~... wat a sweet song. And Lady Gaga's Bad Romance is extremely addictive!

See this, it's cute. =D
www.flashfunpages.com/couple.swf

2009-12-01T21:45:00.003+10:00

No longer working at the restaurant!
It's back to doing admin work...
Today's supposed to be my first day of work, but something went wrong with my intestines.
Generated too much shit. LOL.
So I'm resting at home now. Tummy still hurts a little.
Tomorrow's vaccination day again. Gonna take my 2nd chicken pox jab and if possible, H1N1 jab...
So I'll start my life as an OL on Thursday.
Sigh, I must have over-ate to cause so much pain last night.
Working as a waitress made me super tired everyday, so I used that as an excuse and stuffed myself with food whenever I can.
Got addicted to this:

and this:

I swear, I'm not going to eat durian mount fuji again. I learnt my lesson...

Anyway, life at the restaurant was fun because of the nice people there.
The tough training was good. It made me physically and mentally stronger.
Some of the customers were friendly. I got so happy when they gave tips even though they're not for me.
I enjoyed stealing sweets and secretly putting food into my mouth.
Eating bubor hitam and ice cream and drinking wine, milk tea, coffee and chin chow (blatantly in front of the CCTVs after she left) were ways to reward myself and get back at her.
If not for that woman, I wouldn't have quit.
She taught me how cruel working life can be, how dangerous and fake this world can be.
She likes to make a mountain out of a molehill. A couple of sweets and she wants to cut my incentives. To hell with her incentives.
A bowl of soup missing or a few drops of water on the floor and her face goes black.
Be careful because she will point a knife at your throat and sack you on the spot. I'm serious.
She said, "I'm such a good boss!" Yeah right. Freaking good. So good I had indigestion and went to the toilet 10 times.
I'm ranting too much... haha. I better stop.

1 month of intensive working. I hardly had time to sit down in front of the TV and laugh. Ahhh... my afternoon was heaven.

I'll be back.

2009-11-22T01:31:00.002+10:00

Scary Saturday.

The orders flow like water out of the machine. It's nightmare for me!

I can forgive and forget. But not THAT easily.

Anyway, I broke the fish head curry pot cover. OMG. I'm really impossible.

When people go crazy, they turn into monsters.

F&B work is really good training for me. I'm like a princess at home!

Masked people. Living everyday like clowns.

I have more than 5 burns on my hands! Stupid hotplates.

Experiencing, like never before
Learning, like a child
whose eyes finally see
how vast the world can be
Speaking
More from the heart and soul
than from the lips
Thinking, feeling, understanding
Loving, hating
Longing, hoping, dreaming
A heart, pounding with the rhythm of triumph
So glad of its existence
So full of courage to face what lies ahead
So eager to give life all the tenderness it needs...

November is ending... I can't believe it's one year since I took my A levels. I'm so tired... Can't think of more words for this entry. I just... can't believe... can't believe... Argh I don't know.

Good night.

2009-11-20T01:56:00.002+10:00

People come and go.
Sometimes all I need is more time.
Or a chance.
To say or do something, anything, that may change the outcome I am facing now.
This reality, may become something else. That's what I mean.
But reality is truth, and it is this. This, cannot be something else already.
For the time has passed, the chance is gone. Regret comes.
I can do nothing now, but move on.

I realized, I have never decorated a Christmas tree before. Maybe I have, 800 years ago, I cannot remember. It's strange how unfamiliar I feel when hanging pretty ribbons on those hard, prickly branches. Those trees, their shape comforting at this time of the year, long-time friends you only see when winter comes, when snow falls. Christmas carols are playing all day, Christmas decorations are put up. People wait for Christ's birth, for another year to end. I wait for my memories here to end, for new memories to be made somewhere else. So many things I ought to have done, so many words I should have said, so many feelings I wished to remember...

Regret comes.

PS: Number of injuries increasing... increasing... I feel like I'm 50 years old. LOL.

2009-11-15T03:11:00.002+10:00

Ran my lungs out for the last train, and thank God, I caught it.

I looked like a freak today. Probably the ugliest in my entire life.
I realized something: My fringe is ultra important. Without it, I look like a freak.

Bad organization. Bad, bad, bad. Synchronized? My foot lah. Just a waste of time. Didn't even get to see Obama. Caught a glimpse of the back of his head probably. Stupid media was crowding around the front, taking photos and making noise, making a big fuss out of 20 over world leaders eating beef.

There was hell a lot of food wastage. Managed to try their praline, bread and jelly ching teng. I want to eat the beef lah...

Spent most of the time waiting for time to pass... What an unproductive day. I might as well stay home and watch TV.

I'm tired. Not once not tired in this entire week... Good night.

2009-11-12T01:56:00.002+10:00

TAIPEI (29 Oct - 1st Nov)

Pictures speak a thousand words. Go my fb.

Tagboard is taking up space. Anything to say go my fb.

Mans, fb is really taking over the world.

Work is freaking... can't think of a suitable description now. But it's definitely more exciting than an admin job. For those who don't know, I'm serving at this restaurant at town area... I don't hope to see you there. LOL. My whole body aches all the time coz I work 6 days a week running around with trays. Weight loss seems promising now. I spilled water on my first day of work and Boss's face turned black. Literally. I get orders wrong, I send food to the wrong table, I break rice bowls... I can only get better. I will only get better. Now I know, restaurants are really really unhygienic. The 'A' standard means nothing. It's just a cert pasted on the wall. And I finally see with my own eyes, a boss that has all that qualities I NEVER, EVER, want to possess. Once you've shown your evil face, even if it's just once, no matter how much of your nice face you show after that I'll only think it's fake. And and, if you want to stand on people's heads make sure you've got the ability to do so. Not when you can't even read English AND Chinese. I like it when people are nice to me. When we talk, joke and laugh. But when the stress comes, or when Boss is around (which is ALL THE TIME. Hell, why must she come everyday?!), it's difficult for people to communicate nicely and comfortably with each other. I wonder how long I can survive this.

That's all for now. My legs hurt, my back hurts, my arms hurt, even my fingers and toes are hurting. I've got cuts and burns and blisters and what not. 100% self-torture. I'm doing this for money... Not now. When I'm in Aussie. Get it?

I wonder if I'll get to see Obama this Saturday.

PS: Famous Princesses is nice! 80 episodes of tears and laughter!

PS(2): Happy birthday Xue Nan and xi'en! ^^, Love you both.

2009-10-22T01:42:00.001+10:00

I had my injections! One on each arm!

2009-10-20T00:47:00.002+10:00

Brilliant Legacy was just... brilliant.
The acting was so great it made me laugh and cry as if I was living their lives.

2009-10-07T01:15:00.005+10:00

It's Me Again... Missed me?

Ok, to lengthen this blog post I'm gonna dig out stuff that happened 800 years ago but didn't make it to this page because of poor memory or laziness...

UP with Char. I like the movie, it's funny and touching. Cone of shame... HAHAHA. I can't believe I still find it funny after so long. But the weird thing is, no one finds it funny! And I was laughing by myself in the cinema.

Chomp Chomp + Mahjong-playing at Minghan's house. (HAHAHA this happened before Grace left but I forgot to blog it!) Yeap, it was fun. Mh's mama was super high. I'm quite bad at mahjong! Need more practice!

MOF with Singhealth girls! We drank pots and pots of green tea and made so much noise while taking photos. Ate sinfully delicious desserts. The green tea ice cream is great!

G-Force with Char and Mh. Watched it in 3D. The movie's not bad, just that I don't like the accent.

K-ing with Singhealth girls at the cheap karaoke at Peace Centre. We sang 3 hours FOC because of this coupon I chanced online! After that was dinner at Cafe Cartel. Tried the famous ribs.

Aliens in the Attic with Char. The movie's hilarious! Had Kyo-nichi at Marina Square for dinner. The ramen's not bad. Ate sinful orea cheesecake at Coffee Club for dessert. Not as nice as Secret Recipe's.

Went out with Yuan, my shopping partner! Had lunch at Ichiban Sushi at Hougang Mall. We walked around ION and The Central, and did nothing but spend money. Had Waraku Pasta for dinner. Nothing soothes the soul like retail therapy. =)

Dinner with Jasly Koo, my MSN partner for the two torturous months I spent in the office. MSN-ing with her made hell a little more bearable. Had Thai Express for dinner. Tiong Bahru PLaza is one ulu and run-down place. Worse than Hougang Mall.

Lunch with xi'en at Ajisen at J8. Spent the afternoon talking and walking around. I think I can tell her everything and anything under the sun! =)

Picnic with IMH girls! Well, not exactly a picnic because we didn't have a mat. A pity Yvonne couldn't make it! Marina Barrage is one windy place! Couldn't take nice photos because of the wind. Ended up taking jump shots. Laughed like crazy at the unglam photos. My strawberry cheesecake and jelly were not too bad! 80% made by my mummy... LOL. The crust wasn't strong enough because we added too little butter, so it ended up looking like strawberry yogurt with biscuit crumps... But it was nice!!! After a few hours of eating and jumping at Marina Barrage, we had our rest at TCC at City Hall. The milkshake I had was nice! My first shot at something non-coffee.

Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs with Char! (Today.) The movie's not bad... Full of food. LOL. Had Watami at ION for lunch! The food's not bad! The tea is best! =)

Phew~ I'm done with outings.

My Sister's Keeper by Jodi Picoult

It's nice... Touching. I actually cried, omg. I like this book because it makes me think. Those classic descriptions of raw and tender pain, undying and unconditional love, adolescent confusion and bottled-up tears... unique, close-to-the-heart emotions, are really really really well-written.

Whitney, My Love & Once and Always by Judith Macnaught

I don't particularly like love stories, but these have an interesting storyline plus real humour that makes you laugh, so, why not?

Anyway, I'm unemployed again! My 2 freaking months at the office is finally over. I wanna say thank you to the few people who showed kindness to me during my contract. Now, I just wanna FOCUS on... ah, you know.

Ohh, and my parents like the veggie soup I cooked yesterday! I promise to learn how to cook nice nice food for my room-mates next year! =)

To end off, here are some videos...

This cute guy can dance...

A short 50-seconds film that speaks a thousand words. This is really touching...

Some 2NE1's Fire Parodies. Hilarious.

See the original one first.

Korean students... LOL.

31!

Oh and before I say byebye... Is my blog music a little too depressing?!
So long guys. Cheers. =)

2009-09-21T21:46:00.000+10:00

Ask yourself, what do your tears mean. If you cry, that is.

Tears of pain, for the kind of world that strives on nothingness?
Tears of anger, for what God has created in exchange for that heaven you own?
Tears of pity, for yourself?

There is so much we don't know, we ignorant fools. So much we take for granted.
But what can we do?
A prayer cannot change the world.
Money is never significant.
You light yourself up in flames, but what have they done?

To blood that runs for justice. What can we do?

2009-09-12T23:20:00.000+10:00

我身騎白馬走三關
我改換素衣回中原
放下西涼沒人管
我一心只想王寶釧

If there is something
someone
to keep me going
to keep me alive
to keep the fire within me burning
I will wait
I will sing
I will make everyday as beautiful as the sun

Even if it means 18 years of my life

2009-09-06T23:27:00.005+10:00

Singing.
Makes.
The.
World.
Go.
Round.

With my voice, I can bring music to the world, and the world into music.
No instrument is more powerful than that that exists inside me.

Went to the cheap karaoke at dhoby ghaut area with my IMH girls for our routine outing! Sang for like 4 hours until all of us were starving, then had Ajisen at PS for dinner. Yvonne's boyfriend sent us home again! YAY! Looking forward to our wonderful picnic...!!!

I'm so tired... My calves ache. Sudden feeling of emptiness. Maybe I'm just bored... Or maybe its oestrogen and progesterone influencing my serotonin levels... Yawn.

Opus Deli apple crumble is nice!!! And I love the avogado milkshake from this 2nd level fruit stall at Amoy Street Food Centre! Oh, and there's this stall that sells great muffins! I sound like a glutton. ...I'm on a diet, really!

PS: Jasly Koo is finally 19... A birthday song for you~! 生日快乐, 生日快乐, 惊悉韶光匆促...!!!~~~ Hahaha.

2009-08-30T00:27:00.002+10:00

每一首歌在感动人之前
只是谱上的音符
能让人流泪的
是演唱人用声音
唱出的每一段故事...

傻瓜

Sounds pretty ok...

And this is 师姐's 24-points performance 2 years ago.
Because of her I'm becoming a lesbian! HAHAHA kidding. HQ available! =)

I ate IKEA meatballs with my clique! Haha sorry this happened like 800 years ago but I forgot to mention it on my blog... And after that was dinner at ION with my IMH girls. We ate Taiwan food! It was not bad! Some shopping, TCC for supper, and then a ride back home in Yvonne's boyfriend's rented car! Tiring but happy day! Looking forward to our next outing! =)

Because of this job as a purchasing officer I had TWO free lunches. They're what I call 'networking lunches'. Mum calls them bribery. LOL. Anyway, the first vendor treated us to Teochew food. I don't remember much about the lunch. The bosses talked while I ate quietly. A few times they joked and I laughed along. I was truly there to 白吃白喝. Who says there are no free lunches in this world? The second vendor's a young lady, same age as my brother, but a MANAGER carrying a Coach bag and trying to act posh. She treated us to Japanese ramen 14 bucks a bowl! Like what the hell?! She must be really rich. Small boss says it's because she's working in her father's company.

I've got two bosses. Small boss and Big boss. Small boss eats lunch with me. She's nice and takes care of me. She's got a good sense of direction. Big boss gives less spoon-feeding when it comes to work. You can use one word to describe her: EXTREME. One moment she's quietly typing at her desk, the next she's jumping around like a child and screaming and laughing the whole office building down. She's temperamental, but not a bad person. Sometimes you can even say she's cute. I think I'm still not too close to my colleagues, and the sad thing is, my lunch partners can't catch my jokes! Heartache!

Yesterday was a bad bad day for me. Seeing people get all emotional and teary makes me uncomfortable. I know goodbyes are hard to say and distance may strain relationships, but this is life. I'm slowly coming to terms with this. Sometimes I don't understand myself. It's like I have two mouths. One on the outside and another inside my head. They speak different words, tell different emotions, until my entire being is confused.

When I got home yesterday I screamed the whole block awake when this disgusting green thing flew around me while I was blow-drying my hair. Imagine you'd taken off your contacts and are seeing everything in their blurred forms, plus being ultra tired after spending a long day, and suddenly this huge green monster comes whizzing around you at high speed. I couldn't even make out what it was! Reflex action brought me bouncing across my mum's bed and out of the room while my dad came rushing in holding his toothbrush shouting what was happening. It was a grasshopper, and grasshoppers can fly?! It was damn big, about 8cm. And it could fly?! Anyway, mum killed it and I continued blow-drying my hair half asleep. Guess the next horrible thing that happened to me. Give up? Well, stupid me got my hair caught inside the hairdryer! Mum helped me pull it out of the motor and luckily my hair and I were both ok. What a stupid day yesterday was!

Anyway, Grace is off to conquer China! I know she'll have great fun there and when she comes back she'll be the kind of Chinese teacher every student will love. =)

2009-08-22T01:50:00.005+10:00

I loved him so much... But why...?
It hurts when he disappoints me again and again.
He used to make me so happy.
He was once the most important thing in my life.
We had joy, we had fun, we had curtains to shield us from the sun.
We shared drinks, we watched videos, we talked from dusk to dawn.
He had everything I needed.
But why... why did he suddenly stop being nice to me?
Why did he ignore me when I called out to him?
Why... my love, my laptop?

I thought he caught a virus.
Or was it just information overload?
He kept hanging and hanging.
And he gave me the Blue Screen of Death!
I waited 10 minutes for MSN to start.
He restarted when I shut down,
shut down when I restarted.
Restarted or shut down when I didn't even ask him to.
I thought he was just being playful.
I was wrong.

Now the time has come for me to give up on him.
Maybe it was my fault.
For overheating him, for dropping his battery, for coating him with dust.
I apologize.
And I also say... Bye Bye.

THIS COMPAQ OF MINE IS LOUSY CRAP!

I need a new love, a new laptop! A new camera too. And erm cosmetics, clothes, bags, shoes... Opps! Sorry, the shopping mood came suddenly.

Working life is just S-I-A-N. It's like living in hell. You suffer like crazy, try to shout, but your mouth gets stuffed with hell notes. That's why I willingly continue to suffer. And I suffer in silence.

I had a nightmare last night. And eerily it was also the first day of the seventh month. In my dream Jasly introduced me a horror movie. I asked 好看吗? She said 还好. I asked 恐怖吗? She said 还好. Then I watched it. There was a dead body on the floor and two people near it. They wanted to examine it but it suddenly came alive! And it turned into a monster! I think It's eyes popped out but I didn't see much because I hid my face behind a pillow. At my few attempts at peeping from behind the pillow I saw the monster capture and torture the two people! Then I woke up. FREAKYYY...!!!

How nice if one day I wake up I see a million dollars by my bedside. On its left there's a 瘦身秘籍 that will solve all my problems. On its right there's the most good-looking guy in the world wearing a shining armour and riding on a white horse. I turn to gather the cash and the 瘦身秘籍 and just when I'm about to climb up the horse, the guy says,

"WHAT THE HELL?! STOP DREAMING AND WAKE UP LAH!!!"

End of story. Goodnight!

2009-08-16T15:57:00.002+10:00

But, truly, I have wept too much! The Dawns are heartbreaking.
Every moon is atrocious and every sun bitter:
Sharp love has swollen me up with heady languors.
O let my keel split! O let me sink to the bottom!

- From The Drunken Boat by Arthur Rambaud

2009-08-14T00:57:00.002+10:00

Some outdated updates...

4th August (That's like more than a week ago?!)

My mum and aunt's birthday! Went Shangri-la Hotel to eat EXPENSIVE Jap food. More than a hundred per person! Not bad though. Aunt's treat. She'd some special privilege so there's discount. Had Din Tai Fung for dinner! Bought a branded bag from Raffles City for my mum. :) Oh, it's Xiangling's birthday too! I LOOK FORWARD TO CLIQUE OUTING!!!

7th August

First day of work. Three-quarters are not allowed. I wore three-quarters. What bad luck! I broke a rule on my first day of work! I hope I don't break the next important rule which is punctuality!

Work's bad. Most of the people there are strict, unfriendly and demanding. They expect me to learn fast without making mistakes. It's a BIG difference from the slack life at MOM. I don't feel welcomed there. Thankfully, I found 2 nice ladies who are willing to look after me and take out for lunch. They talk to me, share with me stories and show me where the good food are. Most importantly, they don't smoke.

Met the scholars for dinner! Had ice cream and desserts buffet at ION Orchard Swensen's! HEAVENLY. But very very fattening! We had 2 rounds of ice cream! First the NORMAL round (chocolate, cookies & cream, coffee... the usual ones), then the FRUITS round! GELATO! Xinying got the top 3 most sour ice cream... We made so much noise there, it was crazy! Laughing while eating sweet stuff is really a good way to relax, enjoy and feel good. I like being with the scholars. For the next 4 years they'll probably be the closest people I know in Australia. And we get along so well, talking about everything and anything, laughing at each others' jokes, dreaming about the same future. I thank God for bringing us together.

This is the most glam photo we took. Precious, because with them it's difficult to be glam!

PS: School has finally started... for most of my girlfriends. Good luck! Share with me interesting stories about uni life! =)

* * *

More funny videos! =DDD

Never mind lah Jasly Koo, you can still laugh with me even if you're in Adelaide! I think it's better for you to go Flinders too. I ~~pestered~~ persuaded you to go Queensland because we're good friends and in a foreign country friends are your family. So I thought maybe it'll be good if we can look after each other. Initially I considered UQ because of you too! But your future is more important lah. And I'm sure you'll meet nice people there! Got people bully you must tell me k! We'll visit each other during the holidays!!!

2009-08-10T03:14:00.009+10:00

OMG, I'm so proud of the Singaporeans who took part in 超級星光大道! They are damn good!

Her performance... I'm speechless.

She's not bad too!

Our favourite Zhiyang. Where's the cute chubby boy I saw on TV a few years ago?! What's with the tie?! Zhiyang sang much better!

I hope they continue to shine in this competition! Who said Singaporeans can't sing?! Proud to be a Singaporean! I'll continue to support them! Best Singaporean 超級星光大道 contestants so far right! Huang Jing Lun pales in comparison!

PS: I found a job. I'll be stuck in the office for the next month with a group of weird people. =/ Sigh. It's hard to talk to people with brains operating at a different frequency from mine you know. Anyhow, it's just for a month. I gotta bear with it...

PS(2): Jasly come queensland bah! We can watch 终极三国 together.

2009-08-09T02:38:00.005+10:00

感谢

When your parents are away, your brother's taking his chance to stay out late with his friends or girlfriend and you're alone in a night as deep as the black hole, you shut yourself out from this world, hide in your parents' room with the air-conditioner turned on and think about things you never really want to think about. There are some things that are left hidden at a far corner of your mind, dumped aside like garbage, swept under the carpet like taboos. But during times like these, the Silence brings out the Voice of God and you feel brave. So you think about them.

God has been very kind to me. I've got family. They are healthy. They are somewhat happy. We are not rich, but we at least we don't go hungry. We can afford good food, indulge in various brands, make life comfortable. They don't abuse me, I don't abuse them (maybe only verbally because I am not a good kid), there's peace in the house. And we are smart. Yes, we are smart. We make decisions, we plan for the future, we think about our lives and the lives of others. It's bloody obvious I treat my friends better than I treat my family. I go out and have extravagant meals with them, laugh like crazy in their presence, tell them funny stories. I don't get irritated or annoyed with them, I don't tell them off and refuse to talk to them, I don't show them the nasty sides of me. All the ugliness I keep them within the house, in front of a few unlucky individuals. But that's because they're special, and I love them, so I show them all of me. But the funny thing is they tend to only remember the beautiful side of me. And they give me money for throwing tantrums, buy food for me after I behave like a defiant secondary school student. No matter how awful, how hideous I sometimes become (even worse than the Hulk), they are still willing to creep into this monster's room in the middle of the night to close the bedroom windows when the rain comes.

My friends live in different worlds. Some of them are similar to mine and they make me feel comfortable. Some of them are different from mine but are attractive in their own ways that make me want to be a part of them. Of course, there are those that I dislike or are not suitable for me. It's amazing how people around me have the power to determine my behaviour. In front of some people I can say the craziest things, laugh hysterically. In front of others I can cry and be weak, share my secrets and life stories. And there are those that can turn me into a mimosa plant. In my 19 years on this Earth I've met many people, some don't leave any impression, some just left footprints that fade with time, but only a certain special group of people managed to remain inside this world I'd created for myself. They have made, and will continue to make, memories for me to keep. When I was young I thought friends weren't important. They come and go, sometimes they're nice, sometimes they're not. I didn't know the meaning of true friendship. Only in secondary school I began to understand. Then, I met some people whom I know will walk with me through many years down the road, probably throughout my entire life. They are my precious, secondary school friends. In that 2 years of JC life I got to know a group of friends that I can talk to, complain to, laugh with, eat with, study with. They make my JC life special. They make the benches beneath the hall special. I've got someone to talk to on that one hour long bus ride home, someone to attend boring GP lessons with, someone to go toilet with, someone to queue up for food with... so many things we do together, so many words exchanged, everyday, everyday, until the last day of A levels.

My family and friends. People that make my life special. They are my gifts from God.

2009-08-02T21:43:00.011+10:00

here's a story
about a monster
that ate up my brain

at home, in church, on the road
this hideous-looking monster
fed on my brain
like a lion gnawing on meat
it ate
and ate
and ate
until I couldn't think anymore
until I am but an empty shell

***

曹操篇

Ahhhh 會長...! So shuai. He and his 召喚獸... Laughed until I almost died. If you're stressed or depressed, watch 終極三國.

終極貓熊 HAHAHA!!!

有機雞 AHAHAHAHA...!!!

有夠系列 HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... ... ...

These are just some of the funny videos! =)

2009-07-26T04:11:00.003+10:00

there exists a kind of emptiness
no matter what you do
what you say
how you try to fill it
it remains but a vast space
like a gaping hole that cannot be mended
a broken heart that cannot be pieced together again

it is a shroud of darkness
that blinds the world with pain and regret
it is words spoken to bring hurt
a nail driven into a heart
it is a sin, unforgivable
that makes God, all powerful and mighty, weep like a lost child

scattered memories, like fallen leaves
pieces of photographs
faded smiles, eyes holding secrets
hands tightly grasping it
this strange, strange emptiness
refusing to let go, refusing to learn

***

蜂蜜幸运草

Tuesday: Seoul Yummy is not bad! Xuenan and I tried it at The Central, but it's not really a good place to chit-chat. It's too quiet and we talk too loudly. One hour wasted at Tanjong Pagar. Sigh.

Friday: Char and I watched Harry Potter. I think it's better than the previous movie. But still... not up to standard. And because Char could only eat soft food, we tried the famous porridge at Amoy Street Food Centre for lunch. Not as good as what the reviews say! But still... acceptable. We had Secret Recipe and KOI for tea! =)

YAWN, I'm starting to get bored blogging about all these outings... Don't misunderstand. I love going out with my friends and I'll never get tired of doing so, but all outings with people I love are fun and special so blogging about one is like the same as blogging about another.

PS: I'm fat and broke, maybe depressed.

PS(2): Congratulations! And celebrations! Bei, Jas and Goddess are officially SURVIVORS OF OBS!

PS(3): Jasly, I'm watching 终极三国. It's stupid and lame, but I almost died laughing. Maybe my standards for humour have dropped! HAHAHA.

2009-07-21T12:05:00.003+10:00

A Cup of Hot Tea in the Morning.

My favourite rock boys are back! I missed Hongki's voice. Brought back many bitter memories of... mugging. But also the sweet that came out of it!

Walking around town is tiring. =/ But I'm not complaining! I need to force myself to exercise more since I'm seriously eating too much. Billy Bombers has HUGE servings... Plus, I've got a craving for cakes recently after a weird dream.

Gross half-eaten chickens!

2009-07-17T01:28:00.003+10:00

I'm so full. I'm going to explode. My poor stomach is cramped with Penang asam laksa, char kway teow, hokkien mee, rojak, kuehs, chun juan, gui lin gao, chendol... ... ...

Ate at Penang Place with my clique. BUFFET. So fun. =) After dinner we felt like pregnant women.

PS: 15th July: happy Birthday pc! Today: happy birthday Peilin! =)))))

2009-07-15T00:18:00.003+10:00

Spending money and accumulating fats.

Char and I ate Astons at The Cathay for lunch, had Ben & Jerry's for dessert, then watched Ice Age 3. After that we had bubbletea from Koi at Toa Payoh. See what I mean?

But we had lots of fun. =D

Guilty x100

=D=D=D

PS: More pix on facebook.

2009-07-13T17:25:00.002+10:00

The Reapers by John Connolly

The front part was just humour, hard-to-understand facts, and long and complicated sentences. The excitement comes when the real adventure starts. It's hard to laugh with blood, dead bodies and the smell of gunfire in your imagination, but Connolly makes you. I love Louis, Angel, the Detective and Willie. They're heroes in their own world.

And I finally finished 恶作剧2吻. I want to marry zheng yuan chang. He is mine. Don't fight with me.

2009-07-13T01:21:00.008+10:00

I'm getting lazy, squeezing my week's outings into a single post. =X
Life is colourful because of love and laughter.
I want to enjoy it.

Last Saturday, I watched the NDP preview with Peicheng. Kind of like a last minute decision?! I was the only nice person willing to go out on such short notice, hor pc?! The goodie bag wasn't that impressive, so was the performance. I don't remember anything fun or cool about the show other than the fireworks and that little boy in the video who said his dream i to become the president of Singapore. pc and I spent a great amount of time talking and taking photos. Joke of the day: When the cameraman behind pc smashed his big camera into her head. pc's reaction was sooo... hilarious! After that we went to this Jap cafe Azabu Sabo at Marina for our late dinner. Dessert wasn't nice, but we had fun! =)

Monday, outing with dear Michelle. 6 months since I last saw her. We had lunch at Breeks Cafe at Marina. After that was shopping time. When finally we felt tired we had a drink at Starbucks. Funny thing was when I was boasting to Mich how good my Titus watch is I realized its battery was flat. So fun to catch up with friends I have not seen for such a long time. We had so many things to share! =)

Friday was deed signing day. Surprisingly, I had fun! Not because the person was exceptionally friendly, Mummy said he acted a bit gay, it was the questions my parents asked. Very amusing. And the more they talked, the more excited I felt. It's like I can see my future spread out proudly in front of me, a magic carpet splashed with thousands of colours for all the world to admire. I don't know how to explain this feeling, but it is an amazing feeling. I pray that all my friends will feel the same way, if not now maybe later, and that eventually the paths that they seek and that truly belong to them will take shape, forming a bright, shining future that they will look forward to and feel passionately about. I really pray.

Saturday was 4E1 outing! Many photos taken by Minghan's big big big camera that makes me look super white with flash. Had dinner at Seoul garden. A long long long time since I last saw some of them. We were quite a big group and there's tendency for us to split into cliques =/, so I didn't get to interact with many people. I look forward to the next outing! But I wonder when it'll be... Guys will still be in NS (by the way, the guys talk TOO MUCH NS crap!), girls will start to get busy with uni stuff. Everyone will be busy. Except Rachel and I. I really love 4E1. You guys are a group of really really fun and nice people. I hope that for the next 10, 20, or even 30 years down the road we'll still be organizing regular 4E1 outings and we'll still love each other so much. Thank you Char^^

Today was outing with IMH girls again! I think we're super ON, outings are never-ending for us! Went The Mind Cafe and played board games for 4 hours. Laughed like crazy, especially when we played the animal game. After that was singing time! Sang at this cheena KTV at Dhoby Ghaut area. Affordable and good! The ambience's not bad, the place's clean with a stylish design, and they've good-quality cordless mikes! There were mirrors EVERYWHERE! The drinks were good too, even though they were just fruit juice. Service and song variety could be improved. We had lots of fun! =)

My money is decreasing at an exponential rate. But still I look forward to more outings. Because I love my friends. <3

PS: As I said at the start of my post, I'm getting lazy. So for more pictures go fb! =)

2009-07-02T21:51:00.003+10:00

RETAIL THERAPY WORKS.

Some happy events I forgot to blog:

Seoul Garden with MOM friends last Sat. I told Jasmine some IMH stories! HAHA.

SHOPPING with Yuanyin on Sun. We almost died for Zara sales.

SHOPPING with Mummy on Monday. SPENT (Mummy's) MONEY AGAIN. XP

Yesterday I spent a freaking long 8 hours in the salon! My shoulders, back and butt ached like hell! I did almost everything that could be done in a salon and I've used all the big machines available. Cool ehs?

Doing the perm. I felt like I was some kind of science specimen.

Doing the highlight. My hair's on aluminium foil.

Doing the treatment. (Final stage!)

And today I went out with Rae! Our routine outing.^^ Her last day of freedom. She's sick! Poor thing. Ate lunch at Manhattan, had hi-tea at Secret Recipe, and bought some things. Went toilet like 3 times. LOL.

Tomorrow I'm meeting the last 2 survivors at IMH for lunch! =)

2009-06-30T13:34:00.003+10:00

PHOTOS^^

Singhealth Scholars Pre-departure Session

My new friends! =)

Chomp Chomp and Ice Cube with IMH friends!

Yummy ice cream...!

The hilarious faces.

Date with Char after her 1 month stay in Taiwan!

Lunch at Thai Express.

Gifts!

Coffee-drinking at TCC.

Alright, since some people don't play Facebook frequently, I'll do some updates here as well. I'm going Queensland. After all the mental stress, balancing of pros and cons and changing of plans, I have finally come up with a decision, and I'm glad Rae's with me. =) We're close friends, we'll be living together and going to the same uni, and we're taking the same course! There are not many ST scholars, so I think we're both really really lucky to have each other. =) And I'm also extremely happy that Jiahui is going Australia as well. What I really hope for is that all 4 of us can be as close to each other as possible. But I don't know how things will turn out. Jiahui wants to go Sydney and Jasly can't confirm her uni. That's why I still don't feel at ease now. =/

Current status: unemployed. ZERO INCOME. And time is moving so so so quickly, soon most of my friends will be going to local unis (of course the guys will still be stuck in army hell), and I'll feel weird. I don't know how to explain this feeling, but it's like I'm left behind. People'll be going for camps, having fun, preparing for an exciting uni life, while I'll be stuck at home or at work still waiting for time to pass. And when it's my turn to prepare for uni, I'll be in a new place, with new friends, so far away. It's a weird feeling. I'm like starting to miss everything and everyone already...

2009-06-26T13:33:00.011+10:00

I'm sitting outside MRO now. I won't be surprised if patients hold their noses and stand far away from me, disgusted, because I'm rotting. Inside and outside. Maggots are crawling all over me, within me, gnawing on my heart, lungs and liver, biting my intestines, killing me slowly, painfully, almost blissfully... Maybe I'm just imagining the agony. Because I shouldn't have anymore feelings left, right? I'm a statue. I have turned into stone , my posture fixed in front of the computer, hands on the keyboard, legs crossed, eyes half-opened, a mask thankfully covering my hideous-looking expression...

I think it's fun to blog during working hours. Patients are talking, staff are walking to and fro, air-con is freaking strong, I see some pretty nurses and doctors and counsellers, but not all of them seem friendly. I don't like people who pretend to not see me sitting here and don't bring their pass to me. I dislike even more people who continue to ignore my presense even when I call out to them. But people that I dislike most are those that shower too much attention on me, blatantly or secretly. I know I'm hot in my mask, but don't have to keep staring you know.

Visiting the toilet is the happiest moment for me. I used to go to the one within the clinic, but it's only clean at the start of the day, in the morning. As the day goes by it stinks and floods. Now I use the one outside Sayang Wellness Clinic. It's clean and bright. I like. And there's a full-length mirror inside. Superb lighting at the full-length mirror. It's too dark in front of the mirrors at the sinks. But the problem is the fan blows at me when I stand in front of the full-length mirror. Then I have to stop its oscillation, which is troublesome. They should just do without the fan.

Food at IMH sucks. Nothing more to say about that. People only look forward to Friday 4pm when cakes at Secret Recipe are at half-price.

Most of the permanent staff are nice to me, but I'm not exactly close to them. Some people just like to make fun of me, steal my things, talk nonsense. But they're all nice. And I like most of them.

I'm leaving already. Clinic manager Pingping was a bit shocked. I'm supposed to help her do some things... She asked if it's because school's starting. I said something about the contract, that my contract has just ended, but actually my one-month contract is already over and I can quit anytime.. I was lazy to tell her that for me school's starting next year. And since it's my last day, I told her this job's extremely boring and I can't go on anymore. Good luck to the new girl who will replace me.

The Indian staff who stole my make-up kit gave me a ziplock bag full of masks. It's for me to last the week. Erm... it's for the new girl to last the week. Just that he doesn't know. He's funny, really. He kept pestering me to teach him how to play bejeweled on Facebook because he saw me playing it. I said no.

A horrible staff who scolded me last time because I stopped her to scan her pass couldn't scold me today again because a higher-authority staff was walking by. Revenge is sweet. She had to obediently scan her pass. Hohoho. Merry Christmas. And after that she walked out of the office again and automatically came to me for another scan, but I told her once per day is enough. And I wanted to dig out her eyes because she glared at me.

For your information, I'm not typing directly into blogger. I'm typing on Notepad now. Friends here know what the Notepad is for. Sigh. Just when I'm leaving NHGROAM starts to improve. Connection is faster now. And to prevent people from reading what I'm typing my font size is 5. I have a little trouble reading it too, but it's still ok.

Some patients are a little blind. Room 23 (Social Work Service) is just right in front of them but they still can't see it and need to ask me. Patients going to SWC just have to turn 45 degrees to their left and they will see the lift but most of them don't and they have to come and ask me. Again. Oh well, I guess urshering is also part of my job. This wakes me up too. Not a bad thing.

I help people while doing my job. Yesterday an uncle dropped the slip of paper that has his appointment number and I picked it up for him. An auntie wanted me to look after her water bottle so she left it with me for a while. Many many other examples because I'm a kind person. But I'm also a lazy person. The small font is killing me.

I need to go to the toilet now! My clean toilet outside SWC awaits me!

***

On Tuesday Singhealth had a pre-departure session for scholars. For the JC (4-year overseas programme) people departure's like 6 months away, so the session was more for the poly people who are leaving for Sydney in about 2 weeks' time for their degree conversion programme. The poly people know each other already so it was difficult to interact a lot with them. Naturally the JC people stuck together. I got to know a future dietician, podiatrist and occupational therapist, all planning to go Queensland. There were many OTs and PTs and some radiation people who came for the session, but I was the only ST there. There was only one dietician and one podiatrist there too. They are sisters and they were talking about how come they don't have short forms. Well, D and P do sound weird. We talked a lot of rubbish during the session. Our conversation included finding a house with a swimming pool, growing our own fruits, having a cow for a pet so that we can have fresh milk, chickens to lay eggs, finding a shuaige who can drive us around Australia... The excitement level rose exponentially. I am happy, really, to know people who are like me, fellow scholars also going to Australia. Makes me feel that I'm not alone. Not that I'm alone in the first place, but still. Yeah, you get what I mean. The session had some ice-breaking games. Wasn't very fun but still ok. Then there were talks. Information you need to know before going to Australia for your studies. The JC people were seated quite comfortably with crossed-legs while the poly people were busily taking notes. Funny. Then there were 2 presentations by returned scholars on their experience in Sydney. Both of them were poly students on the degree conversion programme. Everything about Sydney. That was all. Just one presentation would be enough actually since they talked about roughly the same things!

After that I had dinner with Char at Swensen's at J8. We wanted to eat Gelare for dessert so we went Hougang Mall but stupid me forgot that it has closed down! Subway will be taking its place. Good or bad thing? So we went Xinwang at Heartland mall instead. Super noisy inside. I felt like I was at some coffee shop. But still we chit-chatted till quite late, raising our voices over the din.

On Wednesday I ate Chomp Chomp with IMH people. Will blog about that some other time. Waiting for Yvonne to post pictures...! =)

Yesterday was dinner with Jasly at Delifrance at Chinatown Point. I tried to psycho her to go Queensland. Not that I have already decided, it's just that if she goes QUT I have more reason to go UQ. And we can stay together! Close friends under one roof! That's the most important part of overseas studies yeah? I can't imagine living with people I don't like or barely know. Anyway Jasly made trouble yesterday because the food looks different from the picture in the menu. Jasly wasn't exactly fierce, still quite ok. I think. But maybe it's because I'm used to her. I remember the first day I knew her I thought she was VERY VERY fierce. Hahaha. Back to the story. The manager's attitude was not too good. I was almost worried that a fight might break out. We should have eaten more of the pasta before getting them to change. I only took a few spoonfuls. Can't even remember the taste. But Jasly said it's horrible. Anyway our pasta was changed to steak. I don't like the table. Too low. The seat was uncomfortable. Too little ice lemon tea. The cake was incredibly small but tasted quite ok. The soup wasn't impressive. Maybe Subway would have been a better choice. But we had fun. Talked and laughed a little too loudly. =X

Ahhh... nice to go out with friends. =) More outings to come. More, more and more! Now that I'll soon be unemployed with all the time in the world. But my wallet and POSB card will burn...

PS: THIS IS ONE LONG ENTRY! Hahaha.

2009-06-20T23:07:00.004+10:00

Going out with a long-time friend recovers memories that lay hidden in my mind - those dormant, far-away memories, like old toys locked in the closet, that wait to be remembered. Peilin is still the close friend that I can speak freely to even though we only see each other a few times each year. Some things just won't fade away with time.

Our lunch. Rotating the table to share food and talking too loudly as if we're in a coffee shop! =X

Thanks for the gift! Don't worry, it works! =)

2009-06-16T21:52:00.002+10:00

Outing with IMH peeps at Yishun Northpoint on Sunday! Ate Thai Express and said byebye to Yaoyong and his hair... Good luck in army! =) Outing again after the painful 2/3 weeks and let us see your new $3 haircut!

After that Kitty, Jiaying and I went kbox at AMK and sang until 9pm... It was fun! We wanted to catch a movie but there was nothing nice... Anyway, at kbox Jiaying told me a scary story and she did something that made me think she saw something at the door. So I screamed. Jiaying thought I saw something at the door so she screamed too. Kitty was singing and didn't hear the story but she screamed because we screamed and her handphone and water bottle flew off the seat. So drama! But the chain effect was hilarious!

Because of this boring job at IMH, I'm reading a lot. Just completed Carol Goodman's The Lake of Dead Languages. One of the best thrillers I've ever read! But the horrible thing is while I was at the ending this very serious patient started talking to herself and making animal noises. I was at the climax! She was making so much noise while in this 'conversation' with herself and animals and she even wanted to include me into her 'conversation'! She said "mei nu mei nu mei nu..." continuously but I ignored her and continued reading because I thought she was referring to a passing counseller or whoever. But then she said 'du shen me shu du shen me shu du shen me shu..." (Yes, she talked like that, repeating her words.) and I got a shock. This seriously-ill lady disturbed me while I was at the most exciting part of the book! There were many people there staring at both of us and I couldn't concentrate anymore. Argh! But still the story was great and it got me hooked right from the start. =)

Sigh. I wonder how long I can last sitting outside the MRO. And I'm eating too much. Like really.

2009-06-13T00:27:00.002+10:00

(Simplified) MAP OF AUSTRALIA

If Jasly goes to Flinders, she'll be in Adelaide, which is quite far from Sydney. Sigh. Queensland is even further. Sigh. Australia is so big. Meeting up with her will be difficult. Sigh. I wonder how things will turn out... SIGH.

I like my new birthday shoes. Thank you Rae. =) And I see your primary school in the map. Townsville. HAHAHAHA!!! Ok Rae thinks I'm going nuts working at IMH. I'm laughing over the slightest thing. Really. I'm getting more and more easily amused. And I laughed until I've got a headache. I'm bloated with bryani and mentally drained...

Brida by Paulo Coelho made me yawn about 18 times. Failed attempt to write a magical story. And I really don't think I'd gained a lot from reading this. Still... I finished it. Because I have nothing else to do sitting outside the medical records office.

The heart is such an amazing thing. I can never know what goes inside mine, much less yours. The brain is even more amazing. This jelly at the top of me can hold an unbelievable amount of images and words. Is it the brain that controls the heart? Or the other way round? I'm a Science student, but I know some things in life just cannot be explained using Science. Amazing, amazing.

2009-06-08T01:03:00.008+10:00

Shopping. Dining.

SPENDING MONEY.

I really am NOT a true 客家人!

But who cares? Really. I need my therapy. To wash out those ugly stains on my heart, to wipe out those weird thoughts in my head. I hate the moments before I fall asleep. The nightmares better be gone. And the sad thing is waking up feels the same as the moments before I fall asleep. Oh, and I got that calf cramp again! OMG. In the middle of my sleep there's this EXCRUCIATING pain (I'm exaggerating but it does feel that way when a cramp jerks you awake from beauty sleep!)! Half-asleep I did my stretching and then I went back to dreamland, without even opening my eyes. It's like a weird dream. But after I woke up there's this dull ache that confirmed that I really did have a cramp while sleeping! It's been a long time since I got my calf cramp! Bad omen!

Saturday was date with Yuanyin. We started off with a good lunch and ended off with a good dinner. In between was SHOPPING all the way. =D

Had Ma Maison for lunch. Ambience and food were not too bad.

After lunch we shopped at Bugis. Tried out the new mall. Then we went over to Vivo. We are fans of nichii?! LOL. So crazy...

We had our dinner at this cafe we picked at random. Shopping made us forget the time, so we were quite late for dinner already. Most of the restaurants or cafes were closing or already closed but luckily we came across this one. We were their last batch of orders! But still the food was good! What luck! =)

White Dog Cafe!

The ice cream's YUMMY!

At the end of everything my shoulders hurt and my legs were about to cramp. Shopping is good work out.

Today I had my clique outing at The Central. =) Long time since I last saw them. There was this Cosplay selection competition going on and it was quite funny to see people walking around in weird costumes. We had great fun eating at Waraku! But the dessert's not good! The biscuits looked lame! Now I'm extremely full. Too bad Peiyee's not here!

I like the Udon.

Clarke Quay's night scene.

Peiyee where are you!?

PS: More photos on my fb. Jasly, xl and bei, go play fb! =D

PS(2): DIET STARTS TOMORROW. (I've been saying this since sec 3.)

2009-06-03T23:51:00.006+10:00

I SHALL NOT LEAVE MY STUFF LYING AROUND THE CLINIC.

Ok, I have learnt my lesson. My poor make-up kit almost disappeared from my life. Luckily a nice patient told me it was taken by this playful Indian staff! I wonder if he was being kind and wanted to safeguard it for me or trying to play a prank on me! He's a very funny person. He purposely closed the glass door when I wanted to get out of the clinic, offered to give me a bed and pillow to sleep, and even asked if his trolley needs to be scanned... Anyway, if it was my handphone or wallet gone I wouldn't have been so calm.

I'm getting sick of sitting at the end of the clinic and eating canteen food. All day long I play Facebook and decay. Read and rot. Stare into space, secretly listen to conversations between social workers and patients, open the glass door, ursher... Yeah these are the stuff I do. Terribly boring.

PS: I am a coin.

***

Norwegian Wood by Haruki Murakami

I think I like this book best among the three that I'd read. This story is funny, touching and inspirational. The part where Midori played the guitar and sang for Toru at the roof while a fire went on nearby is hilarious! And the part where Toru spent some quiet moments with Midori's dad, and ended with both munching cucumbers, is both funny and heartwarming. But I don't like the endng. I don't understand why Toru must sleep with Reiko. For goodness sake, Naoko just killed herself?! They created their own special funeral for her, played the guitar and dedicated songs to her, and it ended with a probable pregnancy?! One a 20-year-old guy and the other a 39-year-old woman! Insane! All the sex details are getting on my nerves. They do it with whoever they like and wherever they want! Sounds like animals, no? Yeah yeah, I should read books with an open mind...

2009-05-27T01:02:00.014+10:00

South of the Border, West of the Sun
by Haruki Murakami

It's like reading a long poem. You find it beautiful, but you can't explain why it's beautiful. The words are simple and easy to understand, but the meaning behind them requires some thinking to decipher and interpret. The rain, the horizon, the snow, the mountains, the streetlights, the buildings, the music, the feelings... Everything seems to cross path with each other, like a spider's web, eventually forming a neat, meaningful pattern, vague by itself, but subtle as a whole. The book creates pieces of jigsaw puzzles for you to play around with, but even if you manage to piece them together, the eventual picture would be one that is hazy and mysterious, like looking at a setting sun through its reflection in the sea. There are many things I don't really understand, like whether or not ashes will turn into rain, whether or not lies can break a person's heart beyond repair such that for the rest of her life she lives in darkness, her soul devoid of emotions, her mind stagnant without thoughts, whether or not love that holds dark secrets can be undying, everlasting, worthy to fill the gap that exists in everyone's life. The thing about hysteria siberiana is so true in all of us. We are the farmers ploughing the land. Everyday we lead our dull, monotonous lives, doing the same work, watching the sun creep its way across the sky, waiting for something to happen. And when nothing does, something dies inside us, and we want to escape. We are all looking for that paradise west of the sun. We don't know what's there, maybe there's nothing there at all, but we want to go there. We want to see for ourselves what lies west of the sun. It's an illness, but I feel its more like a challenge, a change. It's the dream we all hold, secretly, unsurely, or unknowingly, in our hearts. When music plays on a rainy night, when snow blankets the sidewalks and blinds the world with white melancholy, when the river flows towards the sea bringing along with it tears, unfulfilled wishes and a lost life, an unclear, blurry mist covers and shapes a tale so deep and heartwrenching you remember it for a long time. It takes only one mistake to cause a lifetime of misery. But if the hands of the clock could be reversed you would still do it again, because love is a mistake you would gladly do twice. In life there are the 'probablys' that haunt you, killing your mind slowly like poison as you wait and guess, guess and wait. I think Hajime is a sad man, a vase with countless cracks, threatening to fall apart. Sometimes it's difficult to choose. Sometimes you can't choose. Regardless, because life still goes on. All that remains is a desert. And that is precisely why I think he's a sad man.

***

I spent 1 night finishing Sputnik Sweetheart, 2 days finishing this. In each book there's something that struck a chord with me: the poor dog in Sputnik that got lost in space, now hysteria siberiana. Such depressing events tend to get stuck in my head for quite some time. Anyway, done with books! Rachel and I finally drank our free coffee! And I hope she likes her present. I think I laughed too much today. I feel quite drained now.

2009-05-25T23:27:00.004+10:00

Her face stained with blood and sweat
Her feet soiled with mud
She stood by the tomb
In which a maiden slept
A wave goodbye to adolescence
A last kiss on silent lips
She abandoned the dead
But pretty face
It was time for lighted candles
Time to move on

XIEN! My dear. I know you're going to OI me. But I know also that you know I love you and I can tell you anything. Thank you for being such a sweet friend.

The pasta was cool! I like. And I think both of you are cool too for planning such a nice dinner for me. Ashley and Sheldon should stop bullying my Jasmine!

I ate Swensen's with my family. Quite hilarious to see my parents bombarding the stressed waiter with questions. And my korkor had to do a lot of explaining too. What a scene!

Thanks to all those who smsed me or wrote on my wall...

Thanks to Xuenan, the friend I love most. I really really really miss her and I have so much to tell her... :(

Thanks to Char... The song, it was really touching. And the extremely spontaneous Angels and Demons movie date wasn't that impressive! I wonder why! Was it the air-con, the cinema, or just me? But still... thanks to your LEADERSHIP I had a fun night! I await your return!

The candlelight danced the night away
Celebrating not in death
But in the dawn of a glorious new day...

2009-05-24T01:10:00.002+10:00

RAE :)
The first friend I made in secondary school.
Happy Birthday^^
You're much loved.

22nd May birthday celebration with Rae!

2009-05-20T02:24:00.005+10:00

To MOH, MOE, MICA, NUS Medicine and Pharmacy, NTU Business & Accountancy Double Degree:

BYE BYE.

The past week was hell. Something went wrong with my heart and brain. I felt all sorts of funny feelings, tried my best to overcome them, ended up hating food. Not being able to enjoy good food is torturous. I wanted to eat but couldn't. Wanted to throw up but (thankfully) couldn't too. In other words I couldn't do anything but watch my unfinished meals pile up. Maybe I'm just not strong enough to take life's surprises (and shocks). I blamed it on IMH's lousy food. But I realized I couldn't eat breakfast too. Mum blamed it on lack of sleep. But I slept much less when I was schooling. We concluded that stress was the culprit. But why the hell should I be stressed? How the hell could I be stressed?! Anyway, I'm better already. My appetite is slowly returning. It's really a psychological thing. Shopping is the best therapy. Going out with friends will cure me. And I mean it. I miss my friends like... so much. I think I should stop thinking so much rubbish. If I were simple-minded, dumb, totally inert, then maybe I won't care so much, won't feel this sick, won't even be blogging in the middle of the night.

THE DEAD MAN WALKING
by: Thomas Hardy (1840-1928)

They hail me as one living,
But don't they know
That I have died of late years,
Untombed although?

I am but a shape that stands here,
A pulseless mould,
A pale past picture, screening
Ashes gone cold.

Not at a minute's warning,
Not in a loud hour,
For me ceased Time's enchantments
In hall and bower.

There was no tragic transit,
No catch of breath,
When silent seasons inched me
On to this death ....

A Troubadour-youth I rambled
With Life for lyre,
The beats of being raging
In me like fire.

But when I practised eyeing
The goal of men,
It iced me, and I perished
A little then.

When passed my friend, my kinsfolk,
Through the Last Door,
And left me standing bleakly,
I died yet more;

And when my Love's heart kindled
In hate of me,
Wherefore I knew not, died I
One more degree.

And if when I died fully
I cannot say,
And changed into the corpse-thing
I am to-day,

Yet is it that, though whiling
The time somehow
In walking, talking, smiling,
I live not now.

2009-05-18T00:09:00.006+10:00

The girl sits by herself
Tears leak from her eyes
But a smile dances on her lips
She asks the trees if they know her name
She asks the stars where her heart belongs
Her hand reaches for a streak of moonlight
But it disappears beneath her trembling fingers
The wind sings a song of loneliness
She makes a silent wish

2009-05-16T00:35:00.002+10:00

God's gifts.

Finally met up with Rae :)
And I'm extremely happy for Jasly.
Things are becoming brighter and brighter each day.

2009-05-13T00:51:00.002+10:00

I think I kind of love...

.
.
.
.
.
.

WORKING AT IMH!

The people there are so nice and hilarious! I hope we don't have to leave so soon. Helping people makes me feel a very special kind of joy. It's a sweet feeling. Because I know that when they come up to me and say "thank you", they really mean it. :)

2009-05-06T23:54:00.001+10:00

I hate this feeling.
Because it makes me hate myself.
And I'm scared.

2009-05-05T01:44:00.003+10:00

God has prepared a present for me.
He has wrapped it up with beautiful gold and red ribbons.
He seals it with a kiss from his lips.
A bright light emanates from my present.
He puts it in a secret corner, away from everyone else.
It's going to be special. So special.
It's a gift just for me.
I like it so much. I think I know what it is. I want it so much.
I reach towards it with open arms.
But God says no, dear, you must wait.
I ask, how long? I've been longing for it. For so many years.
It's a present for me, but God has held on to it for so long.
Why?
God shakes his head. The time will come.
And my tears flow.
I don't understand.

Love of Siam

It's a sweet, simple story about love. The language sounds hard on my ears because I'm not used to it... But the music and the scenes are beautiful.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bEmn3caSGvs

PS: Happy birthday to Deenise. =)

2009-05-01T10:59:00.001+10:00

What lies behind the clouds?

A land of joy;
where there is nothing called sadness, nothing called tears, where people's eyes are always bright with smiles, their laughter filled with genuine gladness.

A land of dreams;
where hearts lift towards a wonderful, dazzling future, where people look forward to something exciting, something different, something that they will play a part in with all the passion that they can give.

A land... called paradise;
where there is no sickness, no hunger, no pain, where there is no crying, no loneliness, no abandonment, where God lives with each and everyone of us, walks with us, talks with us, eats, drinks, plays, laughs, sings, shares with us, where there is lifelong bliss, comfort and peace, and everyone holds onto one another as if they are family that they can never bear to lose.

A rainbow will arch its delicate back across the world where beautiful things happen, behind the clouds that hold the secrets and mysteries we guess each day.

***

I'm officially part of the IMH front-line team that helps prevent swine flu in Singapore! I meet all sorts of people! Elderly with dementia, mentally-ill patients, depressed teens with tattoos all over their bodies, spastic children... Almost everyone who goes to the hospital. Of course there are normal staff, visitors and people on course too! Most of them treated me ok... Some were exceptionally nice and chatted with me, some were exceptionally bad-tempered and they way they reacted to my friendliness made me just want to roll my eyes and not say anything anymore. But they are sick, so I understand. The N95 mask almost killed me! I had to speak almost continuously and sometimes raise my voice, and I had very very very little oxygen going to my brain! It was extremely tight and uncomfortable and it left marks on my face. I really really hate to wear it. Maybe I'm not used to it yet. And when I switched to surgical mask, I got 'said' by my boss. Sigh. Compared to the bosses at MOM, bosses here are strict, fierce and demanding. I understand though, since we're preparing for an emergency, a possible pandemic. Anyway, this job allows me to meet many different people and interact with them, so I think it's more fun and fulfilling than a normal office job. But the lack of oxygen made me feel tired more easily and less able to think straight. Indirectly, my tuition kids get to suffer when their teacher's brain don't work. Sigh.

PS: 29th April: Happy birthday to my papa and to Charmaine. =)

2009-04-28T22:47:00.002+10:00

Attachment! (AGAIN.) Dietetics and nursing. Nothing to do with me, why did I even go? To accompany Miss Koo of course. NUH is extremely far, but Jasly went to TTSH with me the last time, so we're even! That's what the nurse who brought us in said, and she's very nice and friendly! Today's attachment was mostly listening to people talk. The principle dietician, Suet Mei the dietician, Sister Daphne and a China nurse talked to us. We didn't get to make rounds and see patients! =( Anyway, Suet Mei is the one featured on the MOH scholarship booklet, and I noticed this only halfway through our conversation. I felt like I got struck by lightning. The girl holding an apple flashed across my mind and it was so funny because I had an urge to smile while she was saying something very normal. Anyway, the attachment was fun! I seriously hope Jasly gets the scholarship. If she becomes a dietitian maybe she'll be the future wife of some prince from another country! And she'll be the planner of my diet so that I can 减肥成功. HAHA! After that it's lunch at Cafe Cartel at PS and some shopping... TIRED.

2009-04-28T00:53:00.004+10:00

Today is the first Monday I'm officially no longer a MOMer. Char and I went out to celebrate my freedom! Char was leader today. I, being such a helpful and understanding friend, helped prepare her for her interview. I gave her the opportunity to take charge of our lunch, and after a long long long... time of indecisiveness, deep thinking and mental stress, she finally made up her mind on Crystal Jade. I was so proud of her. She made it! So we ate Crystal Jade, her favourite chinese restaurant.

After that it was movie time! We watched 17 Again. Sigh, I will never become 17 again. Anyway, the movie was hilarious! But I can't seem to remember why it was so hilarious. I watched it because I wanted to see shuai ge, but it turned out the plot was quite ok... Not very impressive, but not bad. At least better than (erhem), koizora. I watched it for the same reason but the movie turned out to be a total waste of my money.

TADA! XinWang mango ice and milk tea.

This, made us almost puke.

Not that it was horrible. In fact, it was quite nice! But unbelievably big. And we were so so so full after eating 3/4 of it.

I'm becoming fat. To console myself, I'm blaming the disgusting hot weather for expanding my body.

2009-04-25T16:10:00.004+10:00

BYE MOM...

2 months in the working world in an office! All the laughter, gossiping, bullying, disturbing, sulking, sighing, boredom, counting down to lunch and knock-off, munching from $2 cai fan to Hong Lim to OG to Liang Court to The Central... So so so many nice memories for me to keep. I decided not to extend my contract because I don't think I'll be able to do the same things I'd been doing for another 2 months, but I seriously will miss the place, my friends and my nice bosses!

The last and best pic of the day... Thank God we got it right!

The dumb 'quan jia fu', using my phone's timer. Counting down... LOL. So dumb and hilarious.

My boss! She's the nicest and prettiest boss ever. More like a sister and friend than a manager.

Ashley and I. She and her beauty shots!

Yuting and I. She's a nice girl, really!

Jasmine and I. We are always bored and always chit-chatting.

Jasmine's masterpiece. All the letters to be sent out. And my tag!

My cubicle! The computer, the tea we smuggled, papers, miserable stationery...

That's all for my last day of work at MOM! I really really will miss everyone there! And also, thanks for the little notes, the beautiful bottle of sweets (I like it even if there's rubber band inside!) and all the well wishes! =)

2009-04-20T14:06:00.005+10:00

NUS Medicine interview was not as bad I thought it would be...

But...

Why must they tackle my 死穴! I can't be bothered actually... I got slaughtered at the first question and admitted truthfully that I know nuts about current affairs because I don't read the papers. After that it was all talking about myself so it went quite well. I was the second person to be interviewed so I could go home early and blog. There was some confusion in the arrangement because someone changed my timing and apparently the interviewers were not informed... But anyway, during the gap period between interviews, the first person scared me when she said she was verbally attacked during the second interview, which quite contradicted the norms because the second interview is supposed to be the more fun and less formal one. But I felt both interviews were quite the same?! Going through 2 similar interviews one after another felt like a waste of time. I didn't feel that they were drilling me though. They all treated me quite mercifully. Maybe they like my face? Now I am finally done with interviews! I. FEEL. FREE. And may God bless those who have the perseverance to try again and again so that their dream can finally come true...

Still have work later... Sigh.

Anyway, watch this. It brought tears to my eyes. Children are dying to eat leftovers, while we pick on even the slightest distaste of our lunch. I pray for all those who are hungry.

2009-04-18T00:39:00.012+10:00

Today is really my unlucky day.
But I think God planned it this way... Specially for me.

I woke up late for attachment today.

Spent 20 bucks on cab, and then decided not to go for the attachment after discussion with Jasly. I should have just taken the MRT. I took about the same time to reach there even though I took a cab!

Called my mum like 800 times but couldn't get her, and got scolded by nurses for calling.

Travelled to PS wanting to find Popular, but realized there isn't one. So in the end it seemed like I left the house for nothing.

My unluckiness was passed on to Jasly, because she had to wait for me and accompany me. So it seemed like she left her house for nothing too.

Reached home and suddenly remembered I need to take passport-sized photos. Went down, realized I forgot my wallet so I went up. Went down after taking my wallet, and realized I need scotch tape to stick the photo to my personal statement. Went up again.

Went to school to take my referral letter (Thank you Mr Ng =D) and photocopy stuff. Realized, to my horror, I missed out my testimonial.

My unluckiness was passed on to the next person, Charmaine, who had to help me print out 7 sets of my testimonial. And she had to walk home from the interchange, open my email and extract the file, which ended up blur on paper because I scanned it and its jpeg.

Went home from Bugis and waited hell long for the bus. I concluded bus 107 was not in service that night so I took 100 to Serangoon MRT and then took the train. I should have taken MRT in the first place. Why did I make the same mistake twice?

I was super thristy so the first thing I did when I got home was to gulp down some water. And I choked. BADLY.

So the above states all the SUAY things that happened to me today. But I should be grateful I didn't roll down the stairs or crash into a pillar. I should be happy I'm alive.

And when I'm finally all fresh and clean and in front of my computer checking my email, I realized why God gave me an unlucky day today. He wanted to give me a surprise. He had a gift for me. But I had mixed feelings when I first saw it, because I'm going Australia instead of UK. Now the joy is here and I don't mind anymore. I'm going to do something I like without having to pay any school fees and Rachel will be with me. I'm happy my parents don't have to worry about school fees. My wish finally came true - my wish of not letting my parents have any financial burden regarding my studies. I think God is really very kind to me, even though he gave me an unlucky day today. God is really there all the time, looking after me. I really thank him, so so so so so so..... much.

Today I ate KFC breakfast with Jasly at novena, and then we went to PS to look for 射雕英雄传 but couldn't find Popular. So we drank TCC and chit-chatted. After that I went home, then went to school, then went to NUS with Charmainemaine, then went to bugis to eat JOJO. HAHAHAHA! It's J.Co. We ate donuts and drank chocolate! Char took me to the biggest Popular in Singapore and I got my 射雕英雄传 as well as became a member of Popular. LOL. Despite all the unluckiness, there's still some joy and laughter in today's schedule!

Thanks to Jasly! =) For the past 2 days we ate subway, now I'm a bit scared of Subway already. I seem to see it everywhere. And attachment wasn't too impressive. So... yeah we shall try some other hospital next time ok? And I hope you get the scholarship and go overseas with me... that is if that's really what you want. Because you don't seem to know what you want!

Thanks to Charmaine. =) OMG you also think I bully you? I think you're the best! No one will be willing to accompany me to NUS TWO TIMES and go home halfway to print stuff for me. You're really the best le! I will look after your Pooh. HAHAHA that sentence sounds weird.

I end the day with smiles! I have a lot to think about! Raaeeee.... we must plan ok? But let's celebrate our victory first! I'll be seeing you for the next 4 years. =) I wasn't too excited at first, but now I am! YAYY...!

2009-04-14T23:45:00.003+10:00

My brain cells are dying...

The interview was not exactly hard, but neither was it easy. I was caught off-guard, blabbered my way through, failed on some English pronunciation. I lack eye-contact, giggled too much, said too many things I should not have. And I made them burst into laughter. A whole room of 8 to 10 people, bursting into laughter. Even the people outside heard. How more impossible could I get? Now I need to worry about other things. My head hurts, and I know why. Too many things happened in one day. What a way God has planned things for me!